Monday, October 24, 2005

I See (Brain) Dead People

Yesterday evening, while shopping at Wal-Mart, I ran into my Asshole Ex-Boyfriends’ sister. I broke up with said Asshole 5 years ago and shortly thereafter started dating Ryan, who was like a shining star in the gray existence that had been my life for 2 years while dating Asshole.

Asshole came from a very um… how do I put this nicely? impossible… white trash family. When I say white trash, I MEAN exactly what you might think of when you think of white trash. A family of 6 kids, a single mom (who was a sweet lady, I’ll give her that), an abusive and pretty much non-existent dad who worked as a carnie tattoo artist. His oldest sister was missing teeth and her husband was in jail. His oldest brother married his dad’s ex-wife and adopted his nieces and nephews as his own children. His other brother and his 3 year old son lived at home along with Asshole, his mom, his step dad (also a sweet guy) and his sister, who was also a single mom, working on number 2 when I broke up with him. All of these people (count them, SEVEN, with number 8 on the way) lived together in a 3 bedroom apartment. The most normal of his siblings ended up killing himself a few years after we broke up in a jealous rage over his ex-wife.

People, I’m not even kidding. I can’t believe I was sucked into anything remotely like this. Asshole was very good with the Jedi mind tricks. Seriously.

So, here I am at Wal-Mart, pretty much the only place that I might run into any of the Asshole family other than the Dollar General, and I turn a corner with my cart to grab some tomato soup. I hear someone say my name. I look up. Asshole’s sister is standing on the other side of the aisle.

In my head I’m going “no, no, no… ugh… why me, WHY ME?” but on the outside I give her a big fake smile while trying to remember her name. Remember, it’s been 5 years since I’ve talked to her. This is the one that lived at home with his mom and was working on kid number 2 when I was last on the scene. Fortunately for her, she has all of her teeth, but got knocked up the first time because she thought jumping up and down after sex was an effective form of birth control. Then she got pregnant AGAIN. She also set fire to their couch after falling asleep with a lit cigarette in her hand. I actually witnessed it. Lucky me.

While I’m mentally abusing myself for shopping at Wal-Mart AGAIN, she strikes up a conversation.

Asshole’s Sister (AS): How are you?
Me: Great, how about you?
AS: Good, are you expecting?
Me: (wanting to just tell her I’ve gained weight but resisting) Yes, very soon.
AS: (eyeballing my belly) Just one?
Me: (biting my tongue) Yep, just one.
AS: Is this your first?
Me: Yeah.
AS: Oh… man, it hurts you know. Especially the first.
Me: Uh, yeah, that’s what I hear. But I also hear the pain medication works wonders.
AS: I’ve had five, the last was twins and I was already dilated to 9 when I got to the hospital so I didn’t get to have any pain medicine and it hurt so bad.
Me: (trying to figure out how she might have possibly had 3 more kids in the past five years and wondering why she didn’t try using BIRTH CONTROL) Wow. That’s something.
AS: What are you going to get that needle thing in your back?
Me: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m going to get. I believe it’s called an epidural.
AS: (eyes getting really big) OH. Just be careful with that because you can get paralyzed. That’s what happened to my sister.
Me: (wondering if Asshole’s toothless sister was really paralyzed) Really? Wow.
AS: So when are you due?
Me: November 10th.
AS: You’re HUGE.
Me: (biting my tongue again and praying for the conversation to be over soon, please God) I feel huge.
AS: (laughs) I know how it is.

At this point Ryan came around the corner and I thanked my lucky stars.

AS: Alright, well, good luck.
Me: Thanks, I’m sure I’ll need it (what with all the pain and paralyzation).

Ryan met my eyes and started laughing hysterically. I told him to shut up. Then I started laughing because I couldn’t help but think about her FIVE KIDS! She didn’t even like the FIRST kid she had. I’m sure she’s a great mom though.

Butler’s finest, people. Let me tell you. And I’m sure she wasn’t trying to be rude, she’s just THAT dumb.

I’m never shopping at Wal-Mart again.

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