Thursday, April 27, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
So ask me. Whatever. I'll answer. I'll give ya through the weekend. I'm creatively stifled at the moment anyway, so that gives me a good excuse not to come up with any posts in the next few days... maybe.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
I wanted a little more I think. You know, for something so critically acclaimed and all. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it totally sucked or anything.
As far as Ryan's "gay cowboy crap" thing, don't get the wrong idea. He's just a blue collar guy. He works in the paving industry for cryin' out loud. So it did make me chuckle to see the part of the movie where Heath Ledger is a lute man (paving terminology: the part where it looks like he's raking the asphalt). Ryan does that on a daily basis. Anyway, I don't think it's because he's insecure with his sexuality, I mean, he has a totally HOT wife, and a very cute kid. And back in the day he had a very openly gay roommate. By choice even. So I think his attitude was "not another gay artsy movie" because I've made him watch PLENTY of gay artsy movies, including "Camp" (one of my FAVORITES). And the fact that Brokeback got so hyped up BECAUSE it was about gay dudes.
At any rate, I've long since come to terms with the fact that my husband isn't into artsy stuff (even though he's a musician and a very good songwriter). And that he's very opinionated and not at all afraid to let his opinions known. I'm actually kind of jealous that he's like that, because I really wish I could be more like him in that way. I'm too afraid to really say what I think most of the time.
"Eh" is my theme this week. It's my theme because I've given in and let my frustrations take over. And now that my frustration has reached it's peak, I feel all apathetic and blah.
Tonight is my weekly weigh in, and I feel pretty "eh" about that too. I've been pretty lazy (but I did pull a muscle in my neck while working out last week, so I've been considering it "taking it easy") about working out, and I've been drowning my sorrow in chocolate and pizza since alcohol is off limits. So far I've lost 13 pounds, and though I've lost every week for the past 6 weeks, I'm afraid that this week I've gained, which in my view is a tremendous failure.
On a happier note, it was nice to get out and away from family obligations for a bit last night, even though I missed Lyric terribly in the four hours I was away from her.
That totally defines everything about me these days.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Ok, things in my world are getting ridiculous. We're still waiting to hear the results of our arbitration, and it took place almost TWO WEEKS AGO.
This is what has been keeping my life in limbo for the past 6 months. I don't want to wait any more.
On top of that, I haven't gotten ONE SINGLE CALL for a job. Not one.
I'm never going to get out of my in-laws house. EVER!
We've been looking at houses, and everything in our price range is shitty, or in town, or the floors are falling in, whatever, NOT that we can buy even the shittiest of houses, because we don't know our arbitration result AND I don't have a job.
So you see my frustration.
I want to drink beer. Lots of it.
But I can't.
On a happy note, tonight I actually get to socialize with someone other than my husband, my parents, and my baby. I'm going to go over to my friends house to watch Brokeback Mountain, because we both have husbands who have the attitude that they aren't watching "gay cowboy crap."
Uh, they're SHEEP HERDERS!
Thursday, April 20, 2006
As you probably know, I've been co-sleeping, and when I say "I," I mean just me and Lyric, in the bed. Ryan is on the futon in the other room. And you know that I've been concerned about our sleeping situation, but only because I've been preached to by many MANY people, from my mother, to Ryan's grandfather, to a friend of mine who DOESN'T EVEN HAVE KIDS, who tell me over and over again how much I'm going to regret sharing my bed with my baby, how she's never going to sleep on her own, how she's going to be sleeping with me until she goes to college, and how I'm never going to have sex with my husband in our bed at night again.
To those people I say SUCK IT.
Because Lyric is sleeping just fine, all by herself, in her co-sleeper. I'm trying to train her to fall asleep on her own, so I nurse her almost to sleep, then put her down on her belly. She'll look around for a while, sometimes she'll cry, but after about 15 minutes she'll usually fall asleep. If, on the off chance she doesn't fall asleep after 15 minutes, I'll lie down in bed with her and continue to nurse her until she calms down and drifts off, then she's in the co-sleeper.
And that means I have the bed to myself until about 5:00, when she normally wakes up, because that's when Ryan gets up, and when he gets up it sounds like a herd of rabid elephants are invading the house, so I wake up, and Lyric wakes up, and that's when I bring her in bed with me, where we'll usually both sleep until 9, some times later. We've been known to sleep on occasion until 11. Jealous?
I love the fact that my baby loves to sleep as much as I do.
Lately, probably due to stress, I haven't been sleeping very well. For all the wonderful room I have in bed all by myself, it takes me AGES to fall asleep. And once I'm asleep, I have, on most nights, totally weird and sometimes scary dreams. Some of them are very vivid and terrifying, and I usually wake up terrified. That happens probably once a week. I'm not sure what to do about it. The dreams don't bother me so much as the falling asleep part, because I HATE lying in bed awake. I don't think there's much I can do. Normally I'd take some Tylenol PM, but as a nursing mom, I'd hate to take something that's going to make me less than alert if I have to wake up suddenly.
So it's poetic justice I suppose, now that my baby is sleeping, I'm not. Any ideas?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
As you know if you regularly read my blog, Ryan's mom is seriously ill. She has kidney failure and a broken ankle, and she's now on dialysis and has to have someone with her 24 hours a day, so that's why she's not living here and living with Ryan's aunt, 30 minutes north of Butler. The perfect distance.
Ryan's mom and I have come a long way. When we first started dating, she called me "what's her name," and didn't think it was rude at all. And that's the thing about his family, they're all kind of country bumpkins who are ignorant to people's feelings. It's not that they're trying to be rude, they just don't know any better.
Case in point: last week Ryan called his mother to tell him about my cousin being murdered. She is the absolute queen of gossip, so I'm sure everyone in the tri-state area knew about it, and knew that it was MY cousin and MY family. That's fine, whatever. But when I saw my MIL and FIL along with Ryan's aunt last week, they didn't offer any condolences, or well wishes for my family, not even a simple, "I'm sorry." Nothing. Thursday Ryan's dad stopped by and I told him I was getting ready to go to the funeral home, and he said, "Er, yeah, well, ok, have fun." How is that appropriate? A simple goodbye would have worked. On Sunday when we went to his aunt's house for dinner, it was finally acknowledged that my family suffered a tragedy.
His grandma asked me, "So that was your cousin that was killed last week?"
His grandpa: "She was a pretty woman, wasn't she?"
"Yes, she was."
His grandpa: "Where was she shot? In the head?"
And that was the end of that conversation.
Like I said, I'm sure they're not TRYING to be rude, they're just so far out there that I'm sure it seems like the right thing to say. But in my world, it's not. Not at all.
Another thing that they like to say that really pisses me off is that Lyric is "strange." They use the word "strange" to mean that she's shy and awkward, but I disagree with that, because I'm around her all day. She likes things to be on her terms, and that especially includes interactions with people that she's not used to. When we take her out to his aunts, his grandma, his mom, and his aunt immediately want to grab her. They get right in her face and are loud and poke her cheeks and say stupid things and then when she cries, they say, "oh, she's strange. Oh, she doesn't like us. Are you sure she's not colicky? I think she has a belly ache. I think her mouth must be hurting."
It's enough to make me want to bitch slap someone. How about SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU IN HER FACE??? God, if someone was poking my cheeks and going "GOO GOO GOO" I'd be fucking pissed too.
Needless to say, Ryan and I always leave there with high stress levels.
Not that my family is perfect. Christ, I just spent the past week with my family. Half of them are out on bail. One of my cousins is a snitch, ratting out drug dealers because she got arrested for possession, her son is currently in jail for a probation violation, my other cousin has a broken knee because he got in a bar fight, my other cousin fled to Ohio because he ripped off half my family because he was a junkie (myself included), ALL of my family are pot smokers and drunks, except my dad (he just drinks), who would deny that any of them smoke pot, even though it's always completely obvious when they're gooned up, I mean, my cousin's ex broke into my uncle's house and used his hunting rifle to kill my cousin and himself.
Does that sound normal? I'm sure it makes Ryan's family look like angels.
Family. It's all about fun.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Originally uploaded by Elosquirrel.
Last weekend Lyric got to meet her second cousin, the son of my niece (yes, I'm old enough to be a great aunt in my family. I have a great nephew and two great nieces). His name is David and he's 3 weeks younger than Lyric.
David was the most pleasant baby I've ever seen. You could dangle him upside down and he was happy. Seriously. He just sat happily wherever he was and chewed his fist and looked around. The only time I heard him cry was a tiny whimper when he was tired and like magic my niece popped a binky into his mouth and he passed out cold. It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
In comparison Lyric was Ms. PMS 2006. She cried when we tried to take pictures of her and David together, she screamed when she got tired, she fussed when my dad tried to hold her. Comparing David to her is like comparing Gandhi to Hitler.
She's exactly like me. A high maintenance diva.
She makes me proud.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. And even though by the end of the day I was exhausted, I couldn't turn off my mind to sleep. When I finally did fall asleep, it was a shallow and not restful type of sleep.
I've been obviously trying to spend as much time with my family as possible for the last few days. The funeral stuff doesn't start until tomorrow, but we've been going out to my cousin's house. It's emotionally draining, of course.
For me, I've dealt with death probably too many times for a normal 28 (god, soon to be 29) year old person. I've lost all of my grandparents, another cousin from the same family, a niece, friends, a dog that I loved, and this is SO hard. Since I've become a mom, I am so much more sensitive to things like death, especially something as tragic as this. I've seen my aunt break down more than once over the last few days, and seeing it makes me weak in the knees, because as a mom, I feel her pain. I feel her loss. And it is the scariest feeling I've ever felt.
On top of everything else, yesterday was our arbitration. If you don't remember what it was about, you can find that here. I was so confident going into this, being that this is the least of my troubles this week, but after sitting there, listening to the other side, I started doubting a bit. I got scared and my confidence was shaken. I don't know what we'll do if we lose. I may end up in a mental hospital. Sers.
GOD! Sorry I'm such a fucking downer this week. But thanks for listening (reading) and supporting. Again. You guys are wonderful.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Her ex-husband broke into my uncle's house, ordered their 16 year old son to get into the attic, then shot and killed my cousin before turning the gun on himself. Their son managed to get out of the house to a neighbor to call 911, but it was too late. There are other details that are just too gory to share that I can't get out of my mind.
Hearing this news sent waves of shock through me. I wasn't close with my cousin, but I did like her. She was fun to be around, full of energy and fun, with a mouth like a trucker and a heart of gold.
I know it's pointless, but I can't help asking myself why. Why would someone do this? How could you take the life of someone you once loved, someone you had a child with? How could you do something like that to your only child? I know the answer will never come. I can't help thinking about their son, who is now an orphan. This is something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life. Or my aunt and uncle, who have to bury their second child, or her sisters, who have to deal with the fact that they have to bury their little sister.
I know I'll never understand, and it's probably not for me, or anyone else to understand. But it doesn't make it better and it doesn't make it go away. Nothing does.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Tortellini Alfredo with Roasted Red Peppers and Fresh Basil.
Sounds good already, hmmm?
1 bag of cheese tortellini. Whatever kind you like.
1 12oz. jar of roasted red peppers, chopped
1/2 cup to a cup (use your discretion) of fresh basil, thinly sliced
1 jar of alfredo sauce. I recommend Ragu Original. NOT the garlic kind.
If you like your protein, like I do, chop up 2 or 3 chicken breasts and fry up the pieces. MMmmm.
Heat up your alfredo sauce in a medium sauce pan. Cook the tortellini according to the directions on the bag. When the sauce is heated through, add the roasted red peppers and half the basil. If you're adding chicken, throw this in now too. When the tortellini is cooked and rinsed, add that to the mixture. Now stir!!!
Add some freshly ground black pepper to the mix, and/or some parmesan cheese.
When you're ready to serve, sprinkle the rest of the basil on. Serve with some garlic bread or better yet, breadsticks!
SO GOOD. Try it and let me know how you like it.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Originally uploaded by Elosquirrel.
My mother in law always threatens to take my baby away when I dress her like this.
Sorry for being so cryptic the other day. I can't go into specifics yet. Just know that our arbitration is next Tuesday and we need some good luck for once.
So keep those good vibes flowing.
And an update on shrinking E-Lo: Since I lost my job and started Weight Watchers, I've lost 10.2 pounds and one inch off my measurements. Yay for shrinking me!
Monday, April 03, 2006
Send me good vibes, good thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you do.
I need things to work out this week and next week.
(sorry, I thought this picture was funny.)