Friday, July 30, 2004

I need a vacation...

This is a photo I took of the cow skull at my camp. I don't know whether it feels rustic or foreboding, but I'll go with either, because I'm longing for a camp weekend and I'm dreading my weekend of work that won't end until next Thursday. But then a weekend off! I'm so happy to be an optimist. Otherwise I'd be so depressing.

I've been thinking that I need a vacation. Not a get away from it all and go somewhere else vacation, but one that entails me just being at home by myself for a few days and getting shit done that I've been neglecting. Not that getting away wouldn't be fun. I'd enjoy some time with my hubby. But I'm selfish, so I want me time.

I need to clean my house, finish my thesis, sit on my porch and drink coffee, crochet, make jewelry, and read for a few days. I might just turn off my mac. No, I can't. It's just too cute. It sits there and looks at me, all pretty and blue, and hums for me to come hither. (I'm such a nerd)

I could get things accomplished if I didn't have to work for a few days. I wouldn't want it to be forever, because I know I'd get bored. At least at work I can talk about building endcaps and locating signs for the new ad. My only social life outside of the close knit group of crazies that I normally pal around with. Speaking of which, two of those crazies left today for greener pastures outside of Western PA... hope you guys have wonderful adventures. We'll miss you. Now the group is smaller and I can be greedier. And jealous, cause you are away from this shithole and here I stay. Sigh.

Way off the subject...Not only am I addicted to blogging, I'm addicted to slim jims. I've eaten three since I got home from work 2 hours ago. Who invented these little grease oozing sticks of mystery meat in their own edible encasement? I'm out of cigarettes, so I have put something in my festering cake hole. Speaking of which, I've developed quite a nice hack. I was sick last week, and because I smoke 10 cigarettes a day, I now have a smoker's cough. It's really quite attractive. I hear all the boys want a girl that can hem up a loog. Back off fellas, this one's taken!

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Overly Emotional

You know those saps that are easily moved to tears? I am one of them. When I say easily, I mean easily. I think I get it from my dad, who these days cries over everything. My mother told me he was bawling over Reagan’s funeral, the whole big show that they put on, even though he hated him as a president. Anyway, I digress. I see long distance phone commercials, I tear up. I hear a certain song, I tear up. I go to musicals, I tear up. I bawled at the Lion King in Toronto. The spectacle astounded me. Are you getting the picture? I’m a pretty happy-go-lucky type, I’m really not a psycho. I guess I just feel things very deeply. I don’t know. I’m a screwball.

But anyway, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been watching the DNC all week. Al Sharpton made me cry. John Edward, his wife, and his daughter made me cry. I’m getting out the tissues in preparation for Kerry, who I’m sure will also MAKE ME CRY. I cannot explain this phenomenon. I try to hide it. It’s silly. I don’t even know what makes it happen. I just get overwhelmed. Emotion builds up. Even when it’s happy. It’s so stupid, that it makes me laugh. Then I cry. Then I laugh.

I love all of these artists that are performing at the DNC. Mellencamp, the Black Eyed Peas, and I just saw Willie Nelson (LOVE HIM). Carole King is on right now. It’s such a neat idea to combine politics with musical acts. Who da thunk it?

I saw something neat today, Wal-Mart in crisis mode. I used to work at Wal-Mart in my college days, and I hate shopping at there, so I usually avoid it at all costs, but I had to get an oil change, so I went. As I was walking around, I noticed hordes of Wal-Mart employees covering up coolers and roping off the freezer section. They lost power in that half of the store. It was amazing, and extremely inconvenient for me, because I wanted to get some low carb ice cream, and I couldn’t get down the aisle to get it. I remembered from my dark days as a Wal-Mart employee that there is an actual emergency team that will come to the store once the power is out for so long to save the perishable food. They bring cooler trucks and vats of ice. Save our perishables! It gives me a visual of people in Haz-Mat suits grabbing steaks and stuffing them in ice chests.

Aaah, another day, another rambling post.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Stuff that matters

Here's me being patriotic: Go Democrats! Wow, do these guys know how to have fun or what? They sing, they dance, they applaud... It almost makes me want to say: "Yeah, I'm a Democrat too!" But I'd be lying, of course. I'm a third party supporter. What third party? Exactly.

Yeah, so I've spent the last three nights in front of my television, watching tv that actually matters. Yes, Kerry has my vote. Anybody who isn't Bush has my vote. But, wow, are the Democrats GOOD. They are really sucking me in... making me believe... we CAN change this country... we CAN be proud to be Americans again... they'll get me a job and healthcare and peace and harmony and FREEDOM!

Go Democrats! Preach on my democracy loving friends.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

The Critter Hunter

This is Rosie. She is a squirrel hunter, and also my mom and dad's dog. Not only does she chase squirrels, she chases chipmunks, rabbits, birds and just about any little critters. Once I saw her chase cows, which was a terrifying experience (for me; she was having a great time). She's only 5 pounds, so all I could imagine was her getting trampled. She's little but she doesn't let her size intimidate her. She uses her agility to her advantage. We could all take a lesson from this little dog. Get out there in the world and bark at whatever comes your way.
She'd probably be very surprised to actually catch something. I think it's the thrill of the chase. Sometimes that's just as good.
Ok, enough... It's been a long day. I sound all wacked out.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Comfort and Sadness

This is an old photo of my gram and pap. This post is a story I wrote for a class about 5 years ago and is dedicated to Sloth.

She gave me my grandfather’s pipes and dish soap so I could blow bubbles. She made sure that my favorite cereal was in stock in the kitchen cupboard for my breakfast. She always let me play house and water her flowers, no matter how much I drenched them. She never scolded me, she never reprimanded me. She spoiled me more than my father, even more than my mother. This woman was my grandmother, my mother’s mother. I haven’t seen her since I was 12, she died unexpectedly, in her sleep, almost exactly six months after my grandfather passed away. The only explanation that my father could offer me about why her heart had stopped was that it was broken from losing my grandfather. But I was still very young, and I didn’t understand that I would never see this wonderful woman again.

My grandma, Henrietta, was married to my grandpa, Steve, when she was merely 18 years old. If I were in her shoes, I would be married and have children by now. Henrietta and Steve would have been married over 67 years if they were still alive today. I can’t even begin to imagine what two people can go through in that amount of time. But I can believe that Henrietta died of a broken heart. She shared her life with Steve, and they went through a lot together. These experiences are what made my grandmother such a strong woman. She and my grandpa had six children, and lost three of them in her lifetime; Jimmy, who died as an infant, his twin Jerry, who was killed in Vietnam, and Larry, who had a heart attack in his early 40’s. The agony of losing your own child must be the most horrible thing a person can ever encounter. Grandma kept herself busy in spite of it all, always helping others, and sewing, which is one of the many talents she possessed. Keeping busy and the support of her husband and family is what helped her. Her strength in the most dreadful situations was radiant. And not only was she strong in personality, she was strong in her convictions as well.

Raised as a strict Catholic, she attended church every Sunday. My grandma was the most gentle woman I ever knew as well, I rarely ever saw her get angry, her patience was one of her greatest virtues. I remember my cousin telling me about a time when she asked grandma if she had been pregnant out of wedlock. Somehow she had miscalculated and thought grandma had her first child six months after she was married. Being so strong in her beliefs, Grandma naturally got upset and offended by this and she didn't talk to my cousin for a week. Of course she forgave her. This is the only time I’ve ever heard about my grandmother being angry at someone. She was ceaselessly kind-hearted and compassionate, which is most likely the reason why I could never believe that she could leave this world.

I can remember the day she died like yesterday. It was school picture day, eighth grade, and I was getting ready to catch the bus. My uncle Steve called my mother and hysterically told her "something’s wrong with mom, she won’t wake up." My father asked me and my brother if we wanted to go to school. I couldn’t figure out what could have been wrong with grandma, nothing bad could have ever happened to her. She was so loving, so gentle. Only six months before I had gone to the hospital with my father and seen her slaving over grandpa, the love of her life, as he slipped away. That couldn’t happen to her, not now.

We drove over to grandma’s house with my father, and by the time we got there, the house was filled with people crying. It was true, she was gone. I think the most horrible part of that day was seeing my mother sobbing, desperately trying to hold on to her mother. This was the first time I ever saw my mom cry. I wasn’t sure how to feel. At 12, being surrounded grown ups who were crying sort of made me uncomfortable. I rationalized, ‘well, grandma was old, and nobody lives forever.’ This actually helped me, at such a young age, not to be sad. The thing that hurt the most was when my mother emotionally cast herself on grandma’s body, weeping, and kissed her. This was very disturbing to me. Because I didn't truly understand death at this point in my life, I did not shed a tear at grandma’s funeral. Looking back, I wish I would have cried, I wish I would have shown some emotion. Actually, my lack of emotion made my mother more upset, and that made me feel the most terrible.

Now, with more than ten years without my grandmother, I miss her more now than ever. I always wonder how she would react to her adult granddaughter. I know that she probably would think that I am somewhat wild, considering her religious background, but I know that she would still love me, and she would accept me for who I am. I wish I could have had the chance to know my grandmother more deeply. I know she could offer me so much wisdom, but I will never know.

When I look in the mirror, I see my mother’s eyes, and in my mother’s eyes, I see my grandmother. I know that my grandmother lives through both of us, and I can only hope to become the kind of woman Henrietta was. She lives in my heart and in my memories, and I see her in my mother’s words and actions. I guess I’ll never know how she would talk to me as a woman, or the wisdom she could give me. All I know is that this woman lives in my memories, and she will forever stay the woman who gave me dish soap and grandpa’s pipes so I could blow bubbles.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

I think I'm figuring out this photo posting thing...
This is a photo I took in one of the wonderful state parks here in PA. I love being in the woods... just walking and thinking and seeing the trees and the wildlife. It's so peaceful. Again with the zen.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Reason 857 I'm afraid to ever have children...

Yesterday at work I was on my break and making some HBA purchases, and a woman was on her cell phone having a very business-like chat with someone. Meanwhile, her child starts screaming bloody murder: "I WANT IT! MOMMY! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I WANT IT!" This went on for the length of the conversation, about 2 minutes. Every 10 seconds, the woman would say, "Ashley, wait just a second... I'm sorry, what did you say?" "AHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT IT!" You get the gist. I was in the next aisle over, and curiosity took its toll. I had to see this kid. Of course she was an angelic looking blonde little girl, who would have been cute if she hadn't been possessed by Satan. She was trying to pull the cell phone from the woman’s hand. She continued in her business-like proper chat as her child screamed and grabbed at the phone. After she finally hung up, she shouted "THAT IS ENOUGH!" and I smiled and chuckled as I walked towards the register. An older lady walked up beside me and whispered "I should think so." Which make me laugh again. She looked at me and said, "I bet your mom would have beat your butt if you acted like that." I said, "You got that right!" She sighed. "Parents can't do that these days."

I'd never have the kind of patience that woman had.

I almost called off today, cause I'm ill. I managed seven hours though. I went in an hour late. It could be that my immune system is breaking down from lack of time off. Today was the eighth day in a row that I worked. Pity party for me on the count of three... one, two, three....fuck off. I'm off tomorrow. Happy day.

A lesson learned today. Low carb ice cream= good. Low carb pasta= bad. It's like eating rubber. Yuck.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

An End to the Zen

My zen moments are sitting on my porch early in the morning, feeding my yard animals. Since I can't have pets in my lovely mobile home community, the closest thing I have is wildlife. I don't think I've done this for about 2 weeks now. I'm really missing my squirrels. Now I have crows that come and eat my squirrel food. Its really disapointing when I hear them squacking about in the yard, cause I know they're eating the food that isn't meant for them. Then I worry that if the squirrels and chipmunk (yes, one lone chipmunk) don't eat my food, they'll starve. So I worry, cause I've spoiled the wild animals, and now they count on me for their livelihood. Maybe its the other way around...

Friday, July 16, 2004


My top 10 fears:
1. George W. getting re-elected. Wow, would that suck. I'd never get a job.
2. Spiders.
3. Clowns.
4. Losing my job, as dead-end as it is.
5. Being broke forever.
6. Never finding a real job.
7. Living in a trailer park for the rest of my life. Hey, I'm not knocking it, its just not where I imagined myself at 27. Especially with my degree of education. I should have a big house, dogs, and a pool by now.
8. Never finishing my thesis. I'm on the right track for that. Considering I never work on it.
9. Working in retail for the rest of my life.
10. Getting fat. Cause I'm so vain.

I'm on a diet. Have been since Monday. It's been about a year since I've watched my eating habits closely. I'm by no means fat, I'm just a tad bit portiler than I'd like to be. It happens to the best of us, I guess. The risk of being an American, along with the terrorist threat. I'm on orange alert for my ass. So far, so good.
My husband was going to try not drinking for a month while I was on my diet, but he is currently at the bar right now. So much for that. Nothing like a support system to keep you going.

As for my thesis, I've been trying to finish it for over a year now. I graduated and everything, but I won't get my diploma until my advisor feels my thesis is good enough. She's been dicking my around me months. I'll send her a draft, I won't hear from her for a month or so, she'll say its good, lets get ready to defend, then she'll find something to pick on. Its just never going to be good enough for her. The sorry thing is, I'm by no means a writer. My thesis is on the theory of Multiple Intelligences, and how people can be smart in many different ways. I'm musically and visually smart. My lowest areas of intelligence are lingustic and mathematical. Which is entirely what my thesis consists of. She's trying to turn me into her, which I hate to no end. I just don't know what I can do about it at this point.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

This is a post from a private blog that I share with some friends. Every once in a while I write stuff that makes me smile, but only because I'm so self-centered.

Once I heard a story about a man and an albatross. I don't if its true or not. He was in the military and imprisoned with some of his friends from his unit, and they were all kept in seperate room and couldn't see each other. Unfortunately, his friends all died while imprisioned. After weeks of starvation, his captors fed him a fabulous meal the night he was released. He asked what it was and they told him it was albatross. He loved it and dreamt about it many times after. Years later he and his wife celebrated their anniversary by going to a very fancy restuarant. He couldn't believe his luck when he saw that they had albatross on the menu. He immediately ordered it, remembering his wonderful meal the night he was released from imprisionment. When he got it, he realized that it didn't taste like albatross at all. He had not eaten albatross in captivity. He had eaten his dead friends, and enjoyed it.

Pretty gross, huh?

Yeah, so I got to write someone up at work today. Its a stepping stone in my career. Taking corrective action. Fun. Its some kid I absolutely despise. Here's what happened. It was 5 past 10, and we had just closed. We had an hour left to go. I walked the floor and realized market and chemicals, the 2 most time consuming areas in the store, had yet to be zoned. So I found my favorite person, Blair, who was beginning to zone all the way in the back of the store how far he was. He told me he was just starting to zone in that section. Here's our conversation:
Me: Blair, how far have you gotten over here?
Blair: Uh, Stationary and Appliances are done (which is one of the easiest sections) and I'm just starting this (which was the biggest section of the store, containing small appliances, furniture, home storage, pets, chemicals, market and mini seasonal). I'm just starting.
Me: (as I think: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, but I stayed calm) Ok, well, if you're just starting here then move up to market and chemicals. This back section doesn't look bad, but market is the one place that always need the most-
ring ring
Blair: (pulling his cell phone from his pocket) Excuse me.... (seeing the look on my face) Just a second. Hello? Yeah, I'm at work, can you hold on? (looking back at me) Go ahead.
I was too shocked to really think- and the next time I worked with him, I thought, wow, if I treated someone who was my boss that way, I'd surely get in trouble. Then I thought, who the fuck does he think he is? I don't care if I'm just a measly little nobody in this company, that night I was the manage, and therefore, his boss. So I told another manager today and she about flipped out. "HE CAN'T DO THAT! THAT'S A NOTE TO FILE RIGHT THERE! THAT SHOULD BE AUTOMATIC TERMINATION!" I was happy to see that she too was pissed off, and she went and told our boss, and she told me to write him up.