Monday, January 31, 2005

Two Weeks Notice

I put my two weeks in on Friday. It was a nice feeling. Even though my team relations exec looked at me like she was going to cry. And everyone keeps telling me how much they’re going to miss me, so that’s nice to know. In some ways it’s hard to leave a job after you’ve been there for so long. I’m the kind of person who is extremely nervous about starting new jobs. I hate feeling like the "new girl." And I’ve grown to really like most of the people I work with, even though I’ve caught some of them backstabbing me on occasion. I’d say I’ll remain friends with at least a handful of the people at Target. And now that I’ll be making a considerable amount more, I can shop there too.

I definitely will not miss working with the public. Here’s a great example why:

Friday night, I’m closing. I’m standing at the electronics counter, in plain view. Target has those little buttons you push for "guest service." A lady walks up and pushed the button. Hello, I’m standing right here! So, already annoyed, I smile sweetly and say, "can I help you?"
Bitchy lady: Yeah, do you have a pen I can borrow for the photo center? I’m dropping off some film and there’s nothing to write with.
Me: Sure, let me look.
Normally I stock our drawers with pens once a week. They disappear every other day. I’m not sure exactly what happens to the 20 or so pens I put there every week, but it always somehow ends up that I only have pencils. So after rifling through the drawers for about 30 seconds, I say:
Hmm, well, I have a pencil.
She just stares at me for a second like she wants to rip my arm off.
Bitchy lady: Ttsh. No thanks.
She starts shaking her head and digging through her purse. I, of course, was amazed at her rudeness. What does she want me to do, pull a pen out of my ass? I had no idea that a pencil was such an undesirable writing utensil, but guess what? At least you can write with it. At least I tried to help! Don’t be such a beeyotch!
So she starts walking away towards the photo center, mumbling and still digging in her purse. I spy my pen from earlier that I used to make the break schedules in my cart. Ah ha! I’m not going to let her get away with this! I’m going to make her feel like a bitch by being super nice! So I grab the pen and run over to her.
Me: Here! I found a pen!
Pen Nazi: (sheepishly) Oh… do you want it back?
Me: No, no. You can just leave it over there so other people don’t have the same trouble. I’m so sorry. (Big smile)
Pen Nazi: Thanks…
Me: (in my head) BITCH!!!!!!

I won’t miss that.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Goodbye Target!

Oh yes, Target, sweet Target, you can kiss my ass. For all those times I was abused… for all those weekends I had to miss out on spending time with my friends… For every drop of my blood that was spilled… for every tear I’ve cried because of you… You can shove that stupid dog up your ass. Yes, you heard me right.

Hey kids, I got a new job! I never have to work on a weekend again! That’s right! It’s about goddamn time!

Doin’ the happy E-Lo dance as I type this.

I can’t wait to put my two weeks in and enjoy my last ever weekend working in retail!

Thanks for all your positive thoughts and well wishes. They worked!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Attention Single Ladies!

Date this guy!

Today is my single friend J’s birthday. He’s 28. So my present to him is to get him a girlfriend. Any single ladies out there? He’ll make you laugh until you pee your pants, which I guess is good if you’re into that sort of thing.

He may lose his sense of humor over this though. Hmm. Happy birthday anyway?

Friday, January 21, 2005

Whoop whoop!

Happy day! I got an email from the guy that I interviewed with and he wants me to come in next week and meet the president of the company! That’s got to be a good sign. At least it sounds good. I can’t help being a bit giddy about it.

I’ve also been spending the last few days working on my sister and brother-in-law’s website. The design they want is kind of weird, a green background with orange highlights. They want it to look earthy. I find myself torn between designing it my way and just doing what they’re paying me to do. I’m doing it their way for now. It’s the hazard of designing something for somebody else. Just when you think you have a concrete image in your mind about what you want it to look like, they go and fuck it all up. But I don’t think it looks too terrible. It’s a heck of a lot better than what it looks like now. Go here and let me know what you think.

And we’re supposed to get 10 inches of snow this weekend! I’m so glad I’m off. I couldn’t even get out of my driveway this morning. It was insane. My father-in-law had to come pick me up and I was 20 minutes late for work. So sad.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Snap, Crackle, Pop

I just got back from getting my spine adjusted. It was fun. I’d equate it to having really good sex, first there’s that popping release, then a little dizziness, then a bit of soreness (in a good way), but then that sense of immense relief. If I could have moaned without feeling stupid I would have. And I get to do it again on Thursday.

Seeing pictures of my spine was insane. I’ve never had anyone explain an x-ray to me, but my wonderful (and cute) doctor did an excellent job of showing me just what’s wrong with me. It seems that I have a degenerating disk in my lower back, which has caused three other sections of my spine to compensate to try to fix it. My spine is actually starting to curve since it’s been messed up for so long. My neck, instead of having a natural curve in it, is poker straight, much like my hair. So it was nice to start getting it fixed. And I found out that the problems with my lower back could be what’s messing up my knee too. So hopefully I’ll start seeing some differences soon.

Whew. I’m still a little lightheaded.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Never Fear, My Ass is Here

My life has been a series of unfortunate events lately. Those books should be about my life. As I was leaving to go to the chiropractor on Thursday, I locked my door, grabbed my purse and promptly slammed the door behind me, like always. I got to my car, realizing I had neither my keys nor my cell phone. So not only could I not leave or get back into my house, I couldn’t call anyone to help me either. In a panic I got into my car and thought it out. What was I going to do? I had to be at the chiropractor in a half hour for my first appointment. I couldn’t call to say I was going to be late or that I was going to miss the appointment.

So I sat in my car and I cursed myself out for a while for forgetting to get an extra key made to hide outside. After I calmed down, I figured I’d have to find out a way to break into my house. I walked around to each window, trying to figure out if I could somehow pry them open from the outside. Being that it’s winter, of course all of my windows are shut and locked. But I thought I’d still give it a try. I went to the shed and grabbed a screwdriver set, which were the only tools that I had. I also had a metal tooth scraper in my purse, so I tried to pick the lock. That doesn’t work in real life. I proceeded to try to pry the window closest to the door open with a screwdriver until I thought about the glass shattering and cutting my hands to shreds. Besides that, the window that I was trying to get into had the couch in front of it. Plus I would have had to hoist myself up, thereby getting my brand new turquoise Old Navy fleece that I got on clearance all dirty. I didn’t want to do that.

I went back to the door and examined it. I looked at my watch. I had 15 minutes until I absolutely had to leave. My door has a weird metal strip screwed on to the door frame that blocks the wind. I took my screwdriver and decided to remove it. That took about 3 minutes. Once I had that off, I had to pry back the rubber strip lining the door to get at the lock. So I did that and tried jamming the screwdriver into the lock to pop it open. I did this for about 5 minutes, which seemed like an eternity. Then I decided to take a break and walk to the mailbox. I came back and pried the rubber strip out again and looked at the lock, then realized that with the rubber strip off there was a half inch section between the door and the door frame. I could see right into my house. Then I looked at the lock again and realized there was only about a centimeter of the lock actually holding the door shut. I thought, well, if that’s all that’s holding the door closed, I could probably put some ass into it and it will open right up. So I heaved off and threw my butt into the door. It opened right up.

For once I actually loved my big ass. My big, round, strong, door bustin’ ass.

I made it to the chiropractor only 5 minutes late, because I had to put the metal strip back on the door and put the tools away.

Now I have to get an extra key made and a new dead bolt.

I’m going to see Les Mis tonight for the first time. Next time I’ll tell you about that and my chiropractic experience. My body is so messed up.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Nice trip, see you next fall!

So, in true E-Lo fashion, I took a spill at work yesterday. It was quite magnificent. I was rounding the corner of my counter to ring someone up for a video game, when my foot slipped and I went crashing down, right on my bad knee. My arms went flailing and I make a little "woot" noise. There were three customers standing at my counter. I’m laughing right now trying to picture how I looked when it happened. I wasn’t in such a good humor about it when it happened though. Especially when the lady I was ringing up said, "we’ve got a cashier down!" That just added insult to injury. Hello, I’m not a cashier. Now if she would have said, "we’ve got an electronics specialist down, " it would have made me laugh. I’ve got to get a badge with my wonderful title on it so people know just who they’re fucking with.

So after calling my mom and rubbing my throbbing knee for about 10 minutes, I went to my manager to fill out an accident report. Considering how messed up my knee is already, I knew it was just going to get worse. So we called the claim place, and the man that I talked to told me to ice my knee and keep it elevated. I wanted to say, "you know I work in retail right? There’s no icing or elevating involved in any part of my job, since I don’t SIT. I’m on my feet all day, dude!" What a jack ass. So today, when I stand up, I feel like an old lady, since it takes a few minutes to get my leg working properly. And I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment until next month, so I’m just going to have to suffer with my crappy leg for another few weeks.

I am, however, going to the chiropractor today, so find out what the hell is wrong with my back and shoulders. I’m in all sorts of pain. Maybe he can fix my knee too. I’m not even 30 and I’m falling apart.

And I had my interview. Keep sending those positive thoughts for me. I want this job. No weekends, 2 weeks of paid vacation, and nine, yes, nine, paid holidays during the year. And good money to boot. It makes what I do now seem like concentration camp.

I’m still laughing.

Monday, January 10, 2005


I need to read more. I’ve been reading the same Lord of the Rings book for the past two months. It’s only the middle book, too. It’s taking me forever to get through it, mainly because I’ve only read 3 pages of it in the past 3 weeks. I don’t get it. When I was little, it took a miracle to pry my nose out of a book. I read literally all the time. No, seriously, every waking moment. I actually got in trouble at school. For READING. I’d hide my books under my desk and read during class. At night I’d sit by my nightlight and read. And I wasn’t just reading kiddie books, either. I think I read Gone With the Wind in 6th grade. I hated that bitch Scarlet O’Hara.

I’ve also discovered that I have a serious need for alone time. I grew so accustomed to being by myself when my husband was working that now I crave solitary moments. I like spending time with him and my friends, but my alone time is becoming increasingly important. He probably wonders what I’m up to when I’m constantly asking him if he’s going anywhere and how long he’s going to be. I get things done when I’m alone. And I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done for weeks now.

My resolution this year is to learn two new creative hobbies and hone them. One is knitting, which I sort of used to know how to do but forgot. I can crochet, but I got an awesome knitting book from my friend Starr for Christmas. When I was in school I was constantly crocheting and making jewelry. Now I play video games. I’m really letting my creative self slip. Lack of alone time, maybe? I also need to go on a photo safari. I wish it would snow so I could get some wintery shots.

I also have a job interview this week for a web related job. I’m hoping that this will be the one. If not, oh well. But I’m more than ready to move on. Retail is sucking the life out of me. So send positive thoughts my way on Thursday morning.

I need to go to the doctor. I messed up my knee somehow and it’s been killing me for weeks. It seems to be getting worse now, so I really have to get my ass in gear. There’s nothing worse than having a leg that doesn’t properly work. It makes me feel so old.

I’m not looking forward to another Monday night of work. I woke up with a negative attitude today, if you couldn’t tell. Crappy poo poo. I feel whiny. I think it’s the time of the year that I get all whiny and depressed but don’t do anything about it. I should nip that in the bud before it blossoms into a mutant.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Ass Fault

Since my husband is now enjoying his winter unemployment as a seasonal construction worker, I have less time to enjoy the solitary luxuries that were in my life a few weeks ago. Read: blogging. And I’m also addicted to my Sims game that he bought me for Christmas. He’s such a corrupter. So I’m sorry I’m lagging on my posts. And the holidays probably contributed to that. I’m sure you’re all sitting on the edge of your seats waiting to see what I’m up to now. Which is nothing new.

Speaking of my husband, I was thinking the other day of his climb up the ladder in his paving career and the many characters he’s told me stories about along the way. I’ve heard so many of them I can’t even keep them straight. But the thing that was sticking out in my head was the names of these guys. After being an asphalt workers’ girlfriend/wife for roughly about four years, I’ve heard stories about guys called Porkchop, Cupcake, Pumpkin, and Milkshake, to name a few. I’m sure there are others that I’m forgetting. All with food related names. What I’m wondering is, is this food name phenomenon all over the world of paving? Does anyone out there know an asphalt worker with a food name?

Just something I’m thinking about. And if you know any asphalt related jokes, let me know.

Oh, and I should mention that thanks to my good friend Starr, the first thing I ate this year was Spotted Dick. No, not that. You know, that English sponge cake with raisins. From a CAN, no less. But not too shabby. However, I was drunk. Spotted Dick would be a wonderful paving name.