Sunday, November 28, 2004

Flat Chicken

One Easter, when I was probably about 5 or 6, my parents thought it would be cute to buy my brother and I some baby chickens. Easter morning after we found our baskets, my dad brought out these cute fuzzy little yellow baby chicks. Looking back, I don’t know what possessed my neat freak parents to buy live chickens. But they were adorable, and for a while they lived in our backyard. They grew into chickens rather quickly.

So before Easter I was telling my brother, who was two years old at the time, how mother hens sit on their eggs to keep them warm. We had this game where we pretended to be chickens and sat on those little plastic eggs and squawked around, flapping our arms. That’s still one of my favorite games. Just kidding. But I think you can see where this is going.

One day we were out in the yard playing with the chicks, and my brother sat on my chick. MY chick. He obviously thought he was keeping it warm, but it turned out that he squished it. And my chicken was no more.

About a month later, my grandma came and took the remaining chicken and made it into soup.

Then my parents got us a dog.

Since then, we’ve had many dogs and cats, but never any chickens. And yes, I’m fairly sure that I ate that chicken soup.

Friday, November 26, 2004

I Survived

I know I promised the chicken story, but I have to talk about Black Friday for a second.

It went well, actually. I didn’t even lose my temper. Almost, once. We ran out of almost everything and gave out probably a thousand rainchecks. And I was bouncing off the walls.

When the doors opened at 6 a.m., I was manning the electronics department, which of course, besides toys, is the biggest department in terms of sales during the holiday season. I looked toward the entrance and actually saw a mob running towards me. RUNNING. I almost crapped. There were so many people that I think I forgot how to breathe for about 2 hours. It was all "Do you have Playstation 2?" (Nope) and "Can I have a raincheck for the under the counter CD player?" (Ok!) All day.

My store is not usually extremely busy. But today we made probably 5 times what we normally make, possibly more. I know when I left at 2:00 our sales were triple what a normal day is. It was crazy and almost kind of fun. Plus we had a catered lunch, which was fantastic. But I was out the door once it was my time to leave.

Must drink beer and put up Christmas tree now….

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Let Me See That Thong…

For your viewing pleasure this fine Tuesday, a thong. To me, it seemed that this thong had a life of it’s own. It had no real owner, it was just roaming free in the wilderness, and at this precise moment, was inching it’s way up this poor lady’s back. So let this be a lesson to us all. Beware of wild thongs. They do attack, but they do it very sneakily. First you’ll feel a slight discomfort in your butt crack, then before you know it, it’s ready to strike. And when it does, I’ll be there with my camera to catch all the action. This unsuspecting woman had no idea what hit her.

She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby move your butt, butt, butt
I think I'll sing it again
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
All night long
Let me see that thong...

Having dumps like a truck makes it sound like she had too much Mexican food the night before. I hope you all have this song stuck in your head now, because everytime I see this picture it's what pops into mine. I'll apologize now.

Next up, the chicken story!

Friday, November 19, 2004

Jive Turkey

Today doesn’t feel like Friday. Maybe that’s because I know that for the next week, I’m going to be working every day except National Slaughter a Turkey day until next Saturday. Then I’ll have one measly day off and do it all over again. Bee-yotch. Choosing a career in retail at this time of the year is not only crazy, it’s just plain stupid. Plus I get the joy of closing on New Years Eve and opening on New Years Day. Wow, I have a lot to look forward to.

Sorry, I’ll stop whining now.

Ok, it’s time to start bitching again.

Who decided that Thanksgiving is the best day out of the year to eat turkey? I mean, it’s good with all that stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberries and pumpkin pie, but it’s a little boring and predictable. I eat meat and stuff, but I hate to think about the animal that I’m eating while I’m viscerally tearing into it. I especially hate this on Thanksgiving because so many turkeys end up in turkey heaven this time of year. Turkeys are by no means a beautiful or intelligent animal, (or are they?) but it makes me a little downhearted to eat one just because that’s the designated thing people eat on a certain day. Oh, fuck it. Thinking about it is making me hungry. Mmm, turkey.

Have a good weekend everyone! I’ll post my thong picture soon. It’s not my thong, just a random one that happened to be just hanging out for the world to see while I was at the bar last night. So I took a picture. Better to remember it by.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Bitchy E-Lo

I was buying some cigarettes today on my way home from work, and the kid behind the counter, who I’m sure was probably at least a decade younger than me, looked at me as if he were ready to card me. He looked from my face to my gigantic orange mom purse that I had just plopped on the counter and just grabbed my Camel lights and rang them up. I couldn’t figure out if he thought I looked old enough to buy cigarettes or if my purse was a dead giveaway for my age. It’s huge. I usually always get carded for cigarettes. Beer is no problem. I can’t figure that out. But since I started carrying a duffel bag chock full of female goodness, I haven’t been carded for either.

Sloth was talking today about those Lance Armstrong bracelets and how over they are (I agree). That reminded me of something I think is so over. And they’re probably for a good cause too, but I wouldn’t know. Those stupid ribbon car magnets. You know the ones, they’re yellow or red white and blue and say "support our troops," or "God Bless America" Sometimes people have a dozen or so pasted all over their cars. I can’t stand them. It’s so damn trendy. Since when did it become trendy to support the troops or love America? I mean, so trendy that you have to paste it all over your car? What are these people actually doing for the troops or for our country, other than buying stupid magnets to parade around town with? And like the Armstrong bracelets, people are actually selling them on ebay. People in my town have wasted space in our local newspaper to write letters to the editor bitching about how they were shopping at Wal-Mart or at a high school football game and all their magnets were stolen. One lady actually said that she has had to resort to taking them off her vehicle when she parks her car. So, are these people stealing them because they think they’re stupid, or because they can’t afford a 3 dollar magnet of their own? And why didn’t they just make them a sticker, instead of a magnet? So when the trend is over they’re easier to remove? Shouldn’t loving America or supporting the troops be a permanent thing? I mean, I still have my "Mission Nothing Accomplished, Defeat Bush in ’04" sticker on my car. I know he won, but that doesn’t change my mind. So when this war is over, if ever, are all these people going to take their ribbon magnets off their cars and forget about it?

Ok, if you have one, I’m sorry. Go ahead, say something shitty. I don’t care. In the words of our commander in chief, "bring it on." Back to thesis land now…

Friday, November 12, 2004

The Methods to My Madness

I’ve been slaving away for the past couple days trying to make sense of research I did almost 2 years ago. It didn’t make sense then, and it still doesn’t. Measuring attitudes is a lot harder than you might think. And trying to make a thesis out of it is even harder.

I’m not much of a social scientist. And let me tell you how much I hate APA. Who decided that it would be a good idea to tell somebody exactly how their data should look? I like things to be pretty and visually stimulating, and tables full of numbers are just plain ugly. I want some colorful charts and graphs. My brain is full of Ns and ns and variables and descriptive statistics and validity and reliability and treatments and a bunch of other mutha fuckin’ nonsense. And this is just stuff for my methods section of my paper. Not to mention my craphole of a lit review.

The funniest part of my writing a thesis about this bullshit is that it’s a thesis on how different people learn differently. Duh. We all know that. So I’m measuring attitudes of how college students feel about learning about a specific theory that says, hey, if you learn best this way, this is the way you ought to be taught. Isn’t that only fair? My hypothesis is that students who are traditionally (people who are best at math and reading and that stuff) intelligent would be less open to this idea, while non-traditionally intelligent learners (artistic people, like myself) will be all for it. So what’s funny is that my lowest intelligence is mathematical-logical (my highest being musical and visual) and here I am, doing research that involves tons of numbers. Have I mentioned that I have a type of number dyslexia? I see them all ass backwards most of the time. So this is by no means fun for me. It’s been such a struggle to even try to learn what all these numbers MEAN. And it’s neat how they paint a pretty picture and form into a concrete kind of pattern, but holy hell, is it tough for me to figure it out. I can’t even figure out how to do a percentage without a calculator. Even then it’s too much for my musical/visual brain to handle. Why can’t I just draw some stick figures or write a song about it? So that’s why I’ve been living in thesis limbo land, because I can’t do this unless someone is holding my hand. Hmm, maybe that could be one of my song lyrics.

Anyone want to re-write my thesis for me? I mean, I don’t have a lot of money but I can make a killer dinner of white spaghetti…

Have a good weekend everyone. I’ll be here, wishing I was doing something that didn’t involve numbers.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Evil

With all the crap going on in the world in the past week, I haven’t had time to talk about my Halloween. It was a good night to go out and blow off some steam. Hmm, I might need another one of those soon.

As you can see, I was the devil. Not to be confused with El Presidente. My husband dressed up as some sort of cooter redneck.

Here we are. The pictures don’t look all that fantastic because they’re scanned Polaroids. Why the fuck do Polaroids turn green when you scan them? Somebody enlighten me. Does it have something to do with the emulsion?

Anyhoo, we got dressed up and went out to a bar that we would otherwise avoid, since it’s mostly filled with meatheads and slutty drunk girls. But on Halloween you have to be a little out of the ordinary, so there you go. And there’s a lot to be said for being drunk and slutty on Halloween, so I went with the flow. We met up with our friends Greg (white belt karate kid) and Starr (80’s girl). I’m sure they’d love to have their picture here, so here they are.

After Starr bought me a shot of Jager, I was ready to boogie my evil ass off.

Hell yeah. I’m shakin’ it like a Polaroid picture in that Polaroid picture. We danced until we were nice and sweaty. Didn’t think the devil could sweat, did ya? At one point I actually kicked off my platform sandals so I wouldn’t break anything.

Greg was feeling frisky in this one (I bet he loves seeing this). But Starr was even friskier, Greg. Hate to burst your kung fu bubble.
All in all, it was a good fucking time. We got shitty, we danced, and everybody was happy. The world was a beautiful place. And there was a lady dressed as a cave woman, complete with fucked up teeth, armpit hair, a bone, and a club, who danced as if she really were from the stone age. She never broke character. You can’t beat that with a stick (you just need a bigger club than hers). Man, now that I think about it, we should have requested "Walk the Dinosaur" just for her. That would have been great.

Halloween is by far my favorite holiday. Everybody needs a break one day a year from being themselves. Although I didn’t get to employ my purple feather boa in any way. I need better costume planning for next year. I better start on that now.

Here’s a great article about defining American values.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

There's No Running Away...

I’ve had this song running through my head for a few days now. Hmm, I wonder why? I’m sure you will probably recognize it, and if you agree with me, the words will hit home. I think the band that originally did it was the Undead. Old hippie music. Good stuff. So get out your harmonica and sing along, you crazy liberals.

The eastern world, it is explodin'
Violence flaring, bullets loading
You're old enough to kill, but not for votin'
You don't believe in war
Then what's that gun you're totin'
When even the Jordan River has bodies floating
But you tell me over and over and over again my friend
You don't believe we're on The Eve of Destruction
Don't you understand what I'm tryin' to say
Can't you feel the fear that I feel today
If the button is pushed there's no running away
There'll be no one to save with the world in a grave
Take a look around you boy, it's bound to scare you boy
But you tell me over and over and over again my friend
You don't believe we're on The Eve of Destruction
My blood's so mad, feels like coagulating
And I'm just sitting here, contemplating
I can't change the truth, it has no regulation
A handful of senators won't pass legislation
And marchers alone can't bring integration
When human respect is disintegrating
This whole damn world is too frustrating
But you tell me over and over and over again my friend
You don't believe we're on The Eve of Destruction
Think of all the hate there is in Red China
Then take a look around to Selma, Alabama
You might leave here for four days in space
But when you return it's the same bloody place
The beating of the drums and the pride and disgrace
You can bury your dead but don't leave a trace
And hate your next-door-neighbor, but don't forget to say grace
But you tell me over and over and over again my friend
You don't believe we're on The Eve of Destruction
Yeah, you don't believe we're on The Eve of Destruction.

And hate your next-door-neighbor, but don't forget to say grace is my favorite part.

Hey kids, don’t lose heart and move to Canada, or Tuscany, or Australia. We need to stay and keep screaming until our throats are bloody. Or at least scratchy. No! Bloody!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Save That Dream For Another Day

Today I feel like I’m back in 9th grade, when my first real boyfriend and I broke up. All day at school I had a hollow pit in my stomach, and was on the edge of crying. At one point I ran out of history class in tears. Mr. Love (the history teacher) thought I was nuts. I was an emotional train wreck of a 15 year old girl.

12 years later, that feeling has come back to me, full force, and has nothing to do with teenage love. I can’t help feeling personally defeated in some way. But like then, I’m hoping a little time will help to heal my broken heart. In the meantime, I’ll keep busy, trying to finish my thesis before my advisor resigns in the spring. In all the hubbub of political awareness, I seem to have forgotten that I have an academic portion of my life to worry about. Whoops. And now it's up to me and me alone to try like hell to get a real job, crappy economy or not.

Don’t worry kids, I haven’t forgotten my sense of humor. And I’m going to remain politically aware. Because if there’s one thing this election has taught me, it’s to stay informed about the issues. And to care about them. Too many young people proved that they didn’t care yesterday by not participating in the election.

Here’s my prayer chant from last night:
Pleasegodohio, pleasegodohio, pleasegodohio…ohfuckit.

See how well that worked?

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Unalienable Rights

This afternoon I will vote. For the first time EVER in my life. Never have I cared so much, or felt so passionately about what is going on in our country. Never have I watched CNN and MSNBC religiously every morning. Never have I given a second thought to any of this shit. Until this election year. Why? Because I’ve personally felt the impact of our current administration. My educated friends (and I) can’t find jobs. My diabetic mother-in-law has no health insurance and she pays thousands of dollars a month for eye surgery and medication. My father-in-law just lost his job. I’m not saying that all this is the president’s fault, but I am saying, "what has he done for me and the people I love?" And the answer is pretty clear to me.

So yes, now I’m geared up, ready to go, and anxious. I’m nervous and stressed and have butterflies in my stomach. Every once in a while I’ll look skyward and think, "oh please, make things go my way for once," in my own silly, selfish way.

Tonight I’ll sit, glued to my television, drinking beer and praying, even though I know that praying won’t do a damn thing. Only WE can do this thing. And no matter which way the political wind blows at the end of the night, at least I’ll know that I finally did my part. And I’ll do it again and again, because I can. So I hope everybody out there is doing their part, no matter who you’re voting for. Just vote. Maybe you’ll be the one to make a difference.

Or maybe I’ll end up crying myself to sleep and calling off on Wednesday to avoid the gloating of 95% of my co-workers. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"….That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government…"

Whoop, whoop, whoop!