Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Good morning. Today is probably one of my favoritest days of the year, and while I'm perfectly aware that favoritest is NOT a word, I'm still using it, so shut up, it's Halloween!

Last Thursday Ryan and I celebrated 4 years of marriage. That's something, huh? I mean, it's no decade, but c'mon, people, give me props here. 4 years of being married to an asphalt worker is no easy task. Long hours, black rocks all over the house, tar in the carpet... you get the picture.

Last Saturday I went to my first strip club. It was the end of the night, after Ryan's show, and let me tell you, half of those girls had to have been moms with the way their bellies jiggled against the poles. Whew. When I think of strippers, I don't think of belly flub. When I think of me, I think of belly flub, and that's ok, because I'm a mom who advertises the fact that she's a mom, and I live a pretty wholesome life, with the exception of my excessive overuse of the f-word. I'm not the one dancing naked on poles so c'mon, ladies, do your freaking crunches.

Lemmee see, what else?

Tonight I'll dress my kid up as Princess Leia and take her trick or treating. Well, not really, cause she's too young for candy, but I'll still show her off a little around the neighborhood. Mostly we'll just hand out candy.

In the spirit of Halloween this week, I'll be posting some of my favorite dirty political ads. I'll start with an ad for Paul R. Nelson, conservative republican candidate for Senate in Wisconsin. If you listen to the Opie and Anthony show in the morning, you'll know exactly who I'm talking about.

JESUS. Talk about scary.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Neglecting my bloggerly duties



It's getting dusty around here again. Not only is it dusty in my little corner of cyberspace, it's dusty in my actual house. My housekeeping skills have dwindled, mainly because I have no time to keep house. Laundry is sitting around waiting to be put away. Lyric's toys are strewn about the living room. Dishes are in the sink.

Balancing the demands of my new job, being a mom and a wife, and having my own personal time (ie, blogging) is tough. My job is keeping me super busy right now. I'm putting in tons of overtime, working Saturdays, going on trips, but it's highly fullfilling and I really feel like I'm where I belong. I'm in a good place, working with some good people, and doing stuff that matters. Well, matters to me, that is. It's nice. And the paychecks are nice too. I think I'm finally past that place where I have to worry about money so much, and that's a great feeling.

However, I'm feeling a little guilty because I've been neglecting you, my readers (have I mentioned how amazing I think it is that people actually find me interesting enough to keep coming back here, even though I rarely have time to return the favor?). I apologize for not visiting you guys. I want to, I really do, but time is tight right now. In about a month, things should settle down, and life will start to get back to normal. Until then, bear with me.

For now, go tell Greg happy birthday.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Realizing the truth that I never wanted to admit to myself

I have to admit, I was fairly nervous about this trip. But only because I'm the type of person who never goes any where or does anything, even if I want to. How I became so rooted and so stagnant I have no idea, but like any good wife, I'd like to blame my old man of a husband. I used to love traveling and going new places, and he's just not into it. Why, I don't know, but it's another thing about him that makes me realize that I have indeed married my father.

But that's not the point. The point is I was nervous, leaving my baby and my husband, going somewhere new with people I hardly know. And on the way down, the coworker that I rode down with said to me, "the people down here are a little stuffy. They make a lot more money than us and to them, we're just ignorant rednecks from PA." I chuckled a little to myself, cause I'm totally NOT a redneck.

At least not in my head.

I proved that wrong when I innocently tried to throw away my coffee in the hotel lobby podium, because I thought it was like one of those garbage cans like they have in Burger King. Totally embarrassing.

Also realized that I'm a total redneck because last night was my first Japanese restaurant experience. Eating sushi and sashimi, that is. And drinking sake.

Oh yeah, and last night was my first time ever staying in a hotel where there are no rooms under 200 bucks.

Did I mention that yesterday I was wearing an outfit that I bought at K-Mart? Think anyone noticed?

Sitting here in my $250 dollar hotel room with my laptop hooked up to the free internet, watching my flat screen plasma tv that is mounted on the wall, I know I'm a redneck.


Monday, October 16, 2006

Things that I'm focusing on instead of the fact that I'm going to miss my kid immensely for the next four days

1. Not hearing her whine.

2. Painting my nails.

3. Plucking my eyebrows.

4. Drinking without worrying that I'll have to wake up when she cries.

5. Smoking (gasp) a cigarette without guilt.

6. Taking long showers.

7. Shaving my legs.

8. Sleeping in a king sized bed all by myself.

9. Taking time in the morning to sit, watch tv, and drink coffee, instead of dashing like a madwoman all over my house to feed the baby, change her diaper, carry all of our shit out to the car and then run like hell to get her to my mom's house so I can be at work early to do overtime.

10. I'm still going to miss her no matter how I look at it.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Making me sad

That this is really happening.


Although CBGBs has long passed it's heyday, it's still a mecca. I'm glad to say that I've been there, at least once.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Busy Bee

If you haven't noticed, my new job is keeping me extremely busy. And not only are my weeks booked, so are my weekends. I'm working an average of 47 hours a week (with over time, thank goodness), and I have weddings, christenings (my own baby, thanks to pressure from my family), listening to Ryan's band practice, watching the Steelers lose, and video shoots for work coming up. I'm also heading to Washington DC next week, which I'm sort of excited about, but nervous at the same time. I've never been much of a traveler, especially by myself with people I don't really know yet, and add the fact that I have to be away from my baby for 2 nights on top of that and my stomach starts doing flip flops. I knew travel would be part of the job, I just didn't realize it would start happening so soon. But it will be good. I think.

Speaking of my baby...

I'm also planning her birthday party. Can you believe THAT? If you're in the Western PA area the weekend of the 18th, come on down. Gifts are not necessary. I'm sure she'll get tons of pointless doodads that day. Like this.

Also, if you're in the Pittsburgh area on October 28th, you should come to the Market Street Ale house and hear the Shitfits, which is Ryan's Misfits cover band. Their K-Rock ad starts playing tomorrow, and I can't wait to hear it. Yep, they're going to say "Shitfits..." but of course bleep out the "shit."

It's amazing what amuses me.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Lyric's first ALF

Saturday we spent the day in Clarion for the Autumn Leaf Festival. I've posted in the past previous years about ALF, about how it was a time of drunken debauchery and fuzzy memories... until last year, when I was so pregnant my legs could barely carry me. This year was also a little different, because usually ALF is a reunion of sorts for all of my Clarion friends that I went to school with. This year nobody was very interested in ALF, or had other engagements, but I've never been one for breaking tradition, so in spite of being the only losers that were going to be there out of all of my friends, Ryan and I went. Not to mention the fact that since last ALF I had a romanticized image in my head of pushing my baby stroller through the crowded streets.

Thankfully, our friends Janae and Chris showed up and spent the weekend with us, which made me feel a little less loserish, and made me have a good time. For me, there's nothing like autumn, it's my favorite time of year, and the weekend was the most perfect, beautiful ALF weekend that I can remember. I think the last time the weather was that perfect was in 2001. Last year was cold and wet, and the year before that was really cold. This year I was sweating under the warm indian summer sun, and Lyric got her first blush of sunburn on her chubby little cheeks, which incidentally makes her look even cuter, if that's possible.

I was excited to take Lyric to her first parade, even if some of the first paradees were some arch nemesis.

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Using the kids, as always.

These people were following this guy.

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Number 88 himself was walking in front of this monstrosity of a bus, but I didn't take his picture, because I prefer to remember him like this:

What next? An action hero running for governor? Oh, wait...

After about 3 miles of Zem Zems, some friendlier faces.

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Then the only gubernatorial candidate that a sane person would vote for.

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We were standing next to a crowd of drunken rednecks with Harley Davidson t-shirts, NASCAR ball caps, and mullets, who screamed when Ed Rendell walked by, "LYNN SWANN!!! DON'T VOTE FOR ED, HE'S GONNA RAISE YOUR TAXES!"

They totally convinced me. Convinced me that the only reason they'd vote for Lynn Swann is because he's an ex-Steeler. Schyeah.

Anyhoo... Lyric enjoyed the parade.

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She even flirted a bit.

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She bounced to the marching bands, ate cookies and pizza, and finally passed out in her stroller. We walked back to the university campus because I wanted to buy her a shirt (Clarion IS the place that helped to create her... it's where Ryan and I "hooked up" if you know what I'm sayin'), and had a lovely and tiring day. We went back to camp, drank a couple pots of coffee, left the babe with grandma and pappy, and we hit the bar.

Now, back in the day, we would have driven back to Clarion and went to the Loomis or the University Inn, but instead we ventured to Cook Forest and hit the Trails End. We soon discovered that we were paying just as much for beer there as we would have been if we had hung with the rest of the alumni in Clarion, and made our way back by midnight. Janae and I were giddy... but she was giddier than I was. It was fun, but sure enough, Lyric woke up shortly after we got home, and I had to be in mommy mode. Buzz kill! But I was happy to snuggle up next to her and go to sleep.

Cause I'm old now. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Bumper Sticker of the Day

"If it's got tits or tires... it's gonna cause you trouble."

Nice. And that's why you should be a gay pedestrian. Nice blue truck, dude.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

E-Lo’s Top Ten Latest Search Engine Queries for Squirrel Stories

10. Stories related to perogies
I love perogies! I’m a fan of perogies! You can’t be from a Western Pennsylvanian Polish family and NOT love perogies. But alas, I don’t have any stories related to perogies, unless you count the time that I decided to make my own perogies from scratch for the first time. I was in my kitchen for 4 hours. I haven’t done it since.

9. President Bush picture in horse poop
Who WOULDN’T like to see a picture of El Diablo in horse poop? I would. But no President Bush horse poop pictures here. And believe me, I tried to find one to post.

8. Vagina Stories.
Ah, yes, the ever present mention of the word "vagina" here on my blog. And “stories” for that matter. Although I maintain the title “Squirrel Stories,” there are fewer mention of squirrels than there are of vaginas. Does that mean I'm going to change the title of my blog? No. But completely understandable search results.

7. Amputee Vagina.
Now, this one, I’m not sure I even want to know about.

6. Mom Boobs.
Again, completely understandable, as I have mom boobs and have talked at great length about them.

5. CBGB’s eat feces suicide.
Um, huh? Yeah. Only one post about CBGB’s here. But no poop eating or killing of oneself involved. I know, it’s disappointing.

4. Nippular area .
Totally related to the whole “Mom Boob” subject. Yep.

3. Fucking squirrels.
I don’t know if this is all about squirrels having sexual relations, or people talking shit on squirrels. Either way, with a title like “Squirrel Stories” of course I’m going to have all kinds of hits from people searching about squirrels. Such as…

2. Lincoln squirrel stories.
Did Lincoln have an affinity for squirrels, or was he a mortal squirrel nemesis? We may never know. And I’ll never know why that querie hit my blog, or why someone was searching it.

1. And the totally unrelated “smash fluorescent.”
It’s typically not a good idea to smash fluorescent bulbs, that much I know. But that’s all I know, and that’s probably all the person that searched for that knows. Unless they shoved that fluorscent bulb into their vagina and a squirrel came out of their ass, which in turn made them lactate all over Lincoln's face, and now I've opened a new can of worms. BOOBS!

This has been another episode of E-Lo’s Top Ten Latest Search Engine Queries for Squirrel Stories. Hope you enjoyed it.