Monday, August 23, 2010

Things

So yeah. Wow. It's like, almost the end of August. Yup, still pregnant. Yup, everything is going well. I'm 29 weeks today. Or yesterday, or in a few days, depending on who you ask. People always ask me my due date and I'm hesitant to tell, because as I found out the last time, just because they give you a date doesn't mean you'll deliver on that date. Or by that date. Or even within a week of that date. Try 12 days. I'm hoping this little butternut comes out earlier.

Speaking of which, what is it with people commenting on your size when you're pregnant? I get it all the FUCKING time. I hate it. I don't comment on the size of your ass, so quit commenting on mine. I've gained 30 pounds. Yes, I have. But that's not even remotely close to the SEVENTY FUCKING FIVE pounds I gained the last time, so I think I'm doing pretty damn good, thanksverymuch.

Yeah, that's a sore subject with me. Pretty sure I had the same problem last time. Rightfully so. And chances are I'll end up weighing the same as I did when I went in to deliver Lyric. Hopefully not, but it's looking good. I mean, I'm not going on a diet. And I exercise more and eat better this time around, so it's pretty obvious my body just does whatever it wants. Or better yet, WHAT IT NEEDS TO DO to support and build a human life.

She's a girl, by the way. Have I mentioned that? I'm so excited to be a mom to girls. Yay!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Wrapping my head around it...

So, it took a while this time, but I'm officially out of the first trimester, and dare I say it... I'm ENJOYING being pregnant. That first trimester is rough - mentally and physically. On certain days I had small mental breakdowns. On the other days I just wanted to sleep. Lyric kept me going though. I had moments where I thought - yeah, I DEFINITELY don't want to do this again. I still feel that way - I know this will be my last pregnancy and I'm still totally cool with that. But that's just more reason to sort of savor it this time.

The difference between this pregnancy and the last is that I don't feel so completely alone. Not that I was "alone" last time - I just didn't have anyone to relate to, really. Especially at first. Now I have TONS of mommy friends and it's awesome. Another difference is that it's not a total SHOCKING lifestyle change - Lyric is a great kid, we love having her, and we know she'll be a great big sister. We also have "been there, done that," when it comes to a baby, so it's not nearly as scary. This will be a breeze.

So I've been wrapping my brain around that for the past few months, and kind of loving it.

Also - this kid loves to bounce on my pelvis. *thump*

On the job front - oh, you didn't know there was a job front? Yup. I've been slowly weeding out my part time gig as an instructor - it was getting waaaaaay too stressful. Am I quitting it completely? Well... not yet. The money is nice, especially since my full time job barely pays the bills. And although I used to love my job - I'm really starting to sort of hate it lately. Maybe it's a side effect of pregnancy - or maybe because this week I'll be forced to downgrade my giant desk to a tiny cubicle - ala my old job. There I went from my own office to a desk in the middle of a room with 4 other people. So it's like an evil flashback. That and many other things (lack of a raise, more work, for one) are making me actively start looking at monster.com daily. Although I realize this is a terrible time to switch jobs. So I'll probably start being a little more active towards next January. I dream of having a work from home job. Heaven.

Or being independently wealthy would work too.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Well lookie here...

The months have seriously been flying by this year - which is actually fantastic for me, because it brings me closer to summer and having a pool in my backyard (yay!) and because I'm PREGGO! Yup, it's in there. The Fetus. The Squirt. The Flutterbutt. I don't have a good name yet. I'm only about 11 weeks, but I feel it moving already, which my midwife said was pretty common the second time around.

This time is much different. Not that I like being pregnant any more this time - I definitely don't. But I'm not oddly depressed. My kid keeps me active, even when I just want to crash on the couch. I'm still not thrilled about my growing body, but I haven't been thrilled with it in a few years, so nothing new there. I just hope I can be as successful this time around shedding weight as I was the first time - and KEEP it off. It was way too easy to gain back 25 pounds after I lost, oh I don't know... 74 pounds?

Another challenge this time is not GAINING 74 pounds. Easier said than done. I'm not exactly sure how I put on that much weight - could have been the daily footlong subs or Panera bread sandwiches AND soup... plus king sized candy bars and daily ice cream. I've been really trying not to do that again and walk a few miles a day. It's just so hard because even as I type this I'm ready to fall asleep.

Oh, and I'm nauseous this time. Not throw up nauseous, just "I feel shitty" nauseous. I didn't experience that at all last time. And my belly has already popped out this time. I'm comfortably wearing my maternity jeans.

Next appointment - May 7th - we should be able to hear Flutterbutt's heartbeat. Hopefully I'll come up with a better name by then.

Monday, February 01, 2010

I’ve got a Feeva...

And unfortunately, the only prescription is a BEBEH in MA BELLAH.

I’ve never gotten to experience the feeling that my biological clock was tick, tick, ticking away. And boy, now it is. In full force. It’s been a few months since we started trying, and there’s been a few bumps and potholes in an otherwise smoothly paved highway. It’s interesting to chart my ovulation, pee on those sticks (that never seem to work for me – according to those, I NEVER ovulate), and mark the days on the calendar in which to try (usually illustrated by two little hearts). I’ve read that the “rear-entry” position and having your husband/partner drink a cup of strong coffee is conducive to making a boy, I’ve learned that although the boys are the faster swimmers the girls are the heartiest survivors, and I’ve learned not to do it on certain days to make one or the other. Sure, we’re trying to have a boy this time – mainly since Ryan is the Last of the Mohicans, being an only child and the only Hays boy. But if it happens to be a girl, more power to us, since we already have everything that little girls need and boy would that save us a lot of cash. So either way, we’ll be happy, and as long as we get a healthy little Hays out of it, it’s all good. Sounds cliche, but at least it’s honest.

In my fervor I’ve been reading up on all things baby and all things pregnancy, and I’m currently in what Those Who Are Trying call “the Two-Week Wait.” This is the span of two weeks from the time you ovulate to the time you get your period. It’s a bitch. I’ve been through this period already, and since I’ve already seen one positive pregnancy test as a result that crapped out on me, it’s a little stressful. Every little twitch that I feel in my belly feels like it could be SOMETHING, every day I wonder if my boobs are really sore or if it’s just my imagination. Did I pass out on the couch on Friday night because it was a long week or because I’m pregnant? Should I continue working out? Should I pick Lyric up when she asks me to? What if I do something wrong? What if I am pregnant and I miscarry again? What if I can’t carry a baby to term again? What if I miscarry further down the road, after seeing pictures of the kid in my belly and having a doctor confirm that it’s there? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

It’s enough to drive a person somewhat insane.

And if I am pregnant? Do I want to tell everyone right away like I did with Lyric, or do I wait? Only a few people knew about my pregnancy that ended in December. And I wish that I wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. I didn’t even tell my mom. A friend of mine that I work with just announced her pregnancy, and she found out in December. We would have had close to the same due date, in late August. I really wanted to have a summer baby. But life isn’t about getting what you want, right? It’s about getting what you need, and taking what you are given, and being happy with that. Making the most of it.

Lyric knows that this has been a long time coming, and I wonder how she’ll deal if and/or when the day comes. She loves babies, and I know she’ll be a good big sis, but she’s already so needy and occasionally clingy. How will I deal with that? How will I continue to do both of my jobs – my full time graphic design job and my part time online instructor job? I don’t want to give either up – unless by some miracle of miracles the instructor job turns into full time (which would be a dream come true, because who DOESN’T want a full time work from home job?). How will my husband adjust to staying home in the winters with not just one, but TWO kids? Am I making a huge mistake?

Perhaps I should title this entry “Question Mark.”

All these questions are valid, but I can only think of the end result: a small, wriggly, pink, sweet smelling bundle of love. The fact of the matter is – for a woman who thought she never wanted to be a mother – I AM ONE. Through and through. One kid or two kids, or even three kids (although Ryan says we’re done after one more... but hey, twins run in my family). No matter how many jobs I have, the main one will always be Mom.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Haiti

The more I learn about Haiti, and the more I can picture the suffering that must be going on there, the more my heart breaks. I know that words can’t help, but now, as a mother, I can’t imagine how scared and alone the children that have lost their parents must feel. The fact that we can just go on with our mundane lives, sending emails, updating our facebook statuses, and taking everything for granted just blows my fucking mind. Every once in a while I get jarred back into reality, and as I was reading a story just now about the people who are sleeping outside the hospital – a little girl with broken legs telling her dad that she’s ok – I started bawling at my desk.

Whenever you feel like the trival things in life are getting you down, stop to think about that – and thank your lucky stars for what a blessed life you live.