Monday, February 01, 2010

I’ve got a Feeva...

And unfortunately, the only prescription is a BEBEH in MA BELLAH.

I’ve never gotten to experience the feeling that my biological clock was tick, tick, ticking away. And boy, now it is. In full force. It’s been a few months since we started trying, and there’s been a few bumps and potholes in an otherwise smoothly paved highway. It’s interesting to chart my ovulation, pee on those sticks (that never seem to work for me – according to those, I NEVER ovulate), and mark the days on the calendar in which to try (usually illustrated by two little hearts). I’ve read that the “rear-entry” position and having your husband/partner drink a cup of strong coffee is conducive to making a boy, I’ve learned that although the boys are the faster swimmers the girls are the heartiest survivors, and I’ve learned not to do it on certain days to make one or the other. Sure, we’re trying to have a boy this time – mainly since Ryan is the Last of the Mohicans, being an only child and the only Hays boy. But if it happens to be a girl, more power to us, since we already have everything that little girls need and boy would that save us a lot of cash. So either way, we’ll be happy, and as long as we get a healthy little Hays out of it, it’s all good. Sounds cliche, but at least it’s honest.

In my fervor I’ve been reading up on all things baby and all things pregnancy, and I’m currently in what Those Who Are Trying call “the Two-Week Wait.” This is the span of two weeks from the time you ovulate to the time you get your period. It’s a bitch. I’ve been through this period already, and since I’ve already seen one positive pregnancy test as a result that crapped out on me, it’s a little stressful. Every little twitch that I feel in my belly feels like it could be SOMETHING, every day I wonder if my boobs are really sore or if it’s just my imagination. Did I pass out on the couch on Friday night because it was a long week or because I’m pregnant? Should I continue working out? Should I pick Lyric up when she asks me to? What if I do something wrong? What if I am pregnant and I miscarry again? What if I can’t carry a baby to term again? What if I miscarry further down the road, after seeing pictures of the kid in my belly and having a doctor confirm that it’s there? What if? What if? WHAT IF?

It’s enough to drive a person somewhat insane.

And if I am pregnant? Do I want to tell everyone right away like I did with Lyric, or do I wait? Only a few people knew about my pregnancy that ended in December. And I wish that I wouldn’t have mentioned it at all. I didn’t even tell my mom. A friend of mine that I work with just announced her pregnancy, and she found out in December. We would have had close to the same due date, in late August. I really wanted to have a summer baby. But life isn’t about getting what you want, right? It’s about getting what you need, and taking what you are given, and being happy with that. Making the most of it.

Lyric knows that this has been a long time coming, and I wonder how she’ll deal if and/or when the day comes. She loves babies, and I know she’ll be a good big sis, but she’s already so needy and occasionally clingy. How will I deal with that? How will I continue to do both of my jobs – my full time graphic design job and my part time online instructor job? I don’t want to give either up – unless by some miracle of miracles the instructor job turns into full time (which would be a dream come true, because who DOESN’T want a full time work from home job?). How will my husband adjust to staying home in the winters with not just one, but TWO kids? Am I making a huge mistake?

Perhaps I should title this entry “Question Mark.”

All these questions are valid, but I can only think of the end result: a small, wriggly, pink, sweet smelling bundle of love. The fact of the matter is – for a woman who thought she never wanted to be a mother – I AM ONE. Through and through. One kid or two kids, or even three kids (although Ryan says we’re done after one more... but hey, twins run in my family). No matter how many jobs I have, the main one will always be Mom.

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