Friday, January 14, 2005

Never Fear, My Ass is Here

My life has been a series of unfortunate events lately. Those books should be about my life. As I was leaving to go to the chiropractor on Thursday, I locked my door, grabbed my purse and promptly slammed the door behind me, like always. I got to my car, realizing I had neither my keys nor my cell phone. So not only could I not leave or get back into my house, I couldn’t call anyone to help me either. In a panic I got into my car and thought it out. What was I going to do? I had to be at the chiropractor in a half hour for my first appointment. I couldn’t call to say I was going to be late or that I was going to miss the appointment.

So I sat in my car and I cursed myself out for a while for forgetting to get an extra key made to hide outside. After I calmed down, I figured I’d have to find out a way to break into my house. I walked around to each window, trying to figure out if I could somehow pry them open from the outside. Being that it’s winter, of course all of my windows are shut and locked. But I thought I’d still give it a try. I went to the shed and grabbed a screwdriver set, which were the only tools that I had. I also had a metal tooth scraper in my purse, so I tried to pick the lock. That doesn’t work in real life. I proceeded to try to pry the window closest to the door open with a screwdriver until I thought about the glass shattering and cutting my hands to shreds. Besides that, the window that I was trying to get into had the couch in front of it. Plus I would have had to hoist myself up, thereby getting my brand new turquoise Old Navy fleece that I got on clearance all dirty. I didn’t want to do that.

I went back to the door and examined it. I looked at my watch. I had 15 minutes until I absolutely had to leave. My door has a weird metal strip screwed on to the door frame that blocks the wind. I took my screwdriver and decided to remove it. That took about 3 minutes. Once I had that off, I had to pry back the rubber strip lining the door to get at the lock. So I did that and tried jamming the screwdriver into the lock to pop it open. I did this for about 5 minutes, which seemed like an eternity. Then I decided to take a break and walk to the mailbox. I came back and pried the rubber strip out again and looked at the lock, then realized that with the rubber strip off there was a half inch section between the door and the door frame. I could see right into my house. Then I looked at the lock again and realized there was only about a centimeter of the lock actually holding the door shut. I thought, well, if that’s all that’s holding the door closed, I could probably put some ass into it and it will open right up. So I heaved off and threw my butt into the door. It opened right up.

For once I actually loved my big ass. My big, round, strong, door bustin’ ass.

I made it to the chiropractor only 5 minutes late, because I had to put the metal strip back on the door and put the tools away.

Now I have to get an extra key made and a new dead bolt.


I’m going to see Les Mis tonight for the first time. Next time I’ll tell you about that and my chiropractic experience. My body is so messed up.

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