Adventures in False Labor
Yesterday was an interesting day. It started out like any other day, me sitting at work, trying to get comfortable in my chair, when suddenly I felt these radiating shooting pains in my uterus. I ignored it at first, because the same thing happened on Monday, but the pains were not quite as severe and only lasted a half hour or so. After about an hour of these pains I was gasping and sweating, and I thought to myself, “hey, maybe I should leave work…” So I called my doctor’s office. It was busy. I called back. Still busy. I called Ryan. Got his voicemail. I called my mom. She said to keep trying the doctor.
It was between noon and one by this time, and I’d been feeling these pains for an hour and a half. My boss left for lunch. I was sweaty. Ryan called. He tried to be calm but I could tell he was silently freaking out. I told him I couldn’t get the doctor’s office. He told me to try again. I did. Still busy. Five minutes later, he called back. I told him it was still not ringing. He told me to call the hospital, but stupid me, I didn’t have that number with me. Why??? Why wasn’t I carrying that number yet?
By 2:00 the pains were pretty much gone. Things were calming down. I didn’t even time them to see how far apart they were, I just guessed between 7 and 10 minutes. For the rest of the afternoon I’d get slight twinges of pain here and there. By quarter to 4 I decided I was going home to rest. I talked to my boss for a few minutes and he was very understanding. Before I left I decided to try the doctor one more time and lo and behold, it rang. I told the woman on the other end my situation.
“I’m 36 weeks and I’ve been having pretty intense cramping on and off all day.”
“You’re 36 weeks? Where is the pain? In the back or in the front down low?”
“Front down low.”
“Go on up to the hospital.”
“HUH? Oh… ok.”
“Are you able to breathe through the pain?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Ok, I’ll call the birthing suite and tell them you’re on the way.”
Needless to say I was pretty baffled. I knew that I wasn’t in labor by any means. But I called Ryan and told him I’d meet him at the house and that we were going to the hospital. Then I called my mom and told her. She was calm. So was I. I knew there was nothing going on that was out of the ordinary at this point. She told me very nonchalantly to call her when I knew what was going on.
Then she proceeded to call Ryan, freaking out, and left a message: “Ryan, PROMISE ME you’ll call as soon as you know what’s going on. If she’s in heavy labor I want to know. PLEASE CALL ME.” When he listened to this message he simply looked at me and said “your mom is retarded.”
So when I’m REALLY in labor, calling my mom is out of the question. When Ryan called his mom she was like, “Oh? You’re going to the hospital? Ok. Call me later.”
So they hooked me up to the monitors in the birthing suite. Fuzzball decided to get hiccups for the first time twice yesterday, so I got to hear those. Then the Fuzz kept kicking the heartbeat monitors. Lots of babies were being born all over the place. Every five minutes or so we heard newborn wailing. Three different nurses came to see me. One made me pee in a cup. The next one took my blood pressure and checked my cervix. Let me tell you, I don’t like getting my cervix checked. That was my first cervix checking experience, and the sensation of a nurse practically sticking her whole hand up your hoo-ha is not a nice one. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Apparently, women dreams or not, I’m not into it.
I’m not dilated. At all.
However, the pains are back today. Oh, the fun. They’re not as strong as yesterday, which is good. I think I’m in for an interesting few more weeks.
I'll leave you with this, which is enough to cheer me up all day.
PUPPIES!!!
And if you need more of a smile than THAT, read this.
It was between noon and one by this time, and I’d been feeling these pains for an hour and a half. My boss left for lunch. I was sweaty. Ryan called. He tried to be calm but I could tell he was silently freaking out. I told him I couldn’t get the doctor’s office. He told me to try again. I did. Still busy. Five minutes later, he called back. I told him it was still not ringing. He told me to call the hospital, but stupid me, I didn’t have that number with me. Why??? Why wasn’t I carrying that number yet?
By 2:00 the pains were pretty much gone. Things were calming down. I didn’t even time them to see how far apart they were, I just guessed between 7 and 10 minutes. For the rest of the afternoon I’d get slight twinges of pain here and there. By quarter to 4 I decided I was going home to rest. I talked to my boss for a few minutes and he was very understanding. Before I left I decided to try the doctor one more time and lo and behold, it rang. I told the woman on the other end my situation.
“I’m 36 weeks and I’ve been having pretty intense cramping on and off all day.”
“You’re 36 weeks? Where is the pain? In the back or in the front down low?”
“Front down low.”
“Go on up to the hospital.”
“HUH? Oh… ok.”
“Are you able to breathe through the pain?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Ok, I’ll call the birthing suite and tell them you’re on the way.”
Needless to say I was pretty baffled. I knew that I wasn’t in labor by any means. But I called Ryan and told him I’d meet him at the house and that we were going to the hospital. Then I called my mom and told her. She was calm. So was I. I knew there was nothing going on that was out of the ordinary at this point. She told me very nonchalantly to call her when I knew what was going on.
Then she proceeded to call Ryan, freaking out, and left a message: “Ryan, PROMISE ME you’ll call as soon as you know what’s going on. If she’s in heavy labor I want to know. PLEASE CALL ME.” When he listened to this message he simply looked at me and said “your mom is retarded.”
So when I’m REALLY in labor, calling my mom is out of the question. When Ryan called his mom she was like, “Oh? You’re going to the hospital? Ok. Call me later.”
So they hooked me up to the monitors in the birthing suite. Fuzzball decided to get hiccups for the first time twice yesterday, so I got to hear those. Then the Fuzz kept kicking the heartbeat monitors. Lots of babies were being born all over the place. Every five minutes or so we heard newborn wailing. Three different nurses came to see me. One made me pee in a cup. The next one took my blood pressure and checked my cervix. Let me tell you, I don’t like getting my cervix checked. That was my first cervix checking experience, and the sensation of a nurse practically sticking her whole hand up your hoo-ha is not a nice one. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Apparently, women dreams or not, I’m not into it.
I’m not dilated. At all.
However, the pains are back today. Oh, the fun. They’re not as strong as yesterday, which is good. I think I’m in for an interesting few more weeks.
I'll leave you with this, which is enough to cheer me up all day.
PUPPIES!!!
And if you need more of a smile than THAT, read this.
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