Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Mattress Misdemeanors

Ryan and I are in dire need of a new mattress. When I say dire, I mean we might as well be sleeping outside on the lawn. This morning I rolled over on to my back and wanted to cry, because my right shoulder was 5 inches lower than my left. My bed is like a giant V. It can’t possibly be part of what is attributing to my constant back pain, could it? The pain that was there back when I worked at Target? Yeah, that’s what I thought. So it’s time to invest in a new bed.

Right now we have a mattress and a box spring perched on a metal frame. There’s no fancy goodness involved, no headboard or cool drawers or anything like you’d see at Ikea. It’s a fairly simple, although kind of white trash, sleeping device. We do have a fancy handmade wooden trunk at the foot of the bed, which is stuffed to the brim with blankets that we’ll never use, considering we only have ONE BED in the entire house. We have three bedrooms. Go figure.

So Ryan and I stopped at Mattress Discounters on Sunday, right before they closed, to check out some prices. Big mistake there. We were instantly accosted the moment we walked in the door. Who knew that mattress salesmen were so aggressive, especially when they’re about to close in 5 minutes. I’d say it was pretty obvious that we weren’t there to purchase anything. This guy would not stop. He gave us pillows. He followed us and had us test different beds. He talked. And talked. And TALKED. He showed us how the mattress we were sitting on was fluid resistant. Ew! What kind of fluid are you talking about? Oh, sweat. Then he started on the how many pounds of dead skin you shed into your mattress every year (a POUND?). Not to mention the dust mites. You know what’s even grosser than losing a pound of dead skin in your bed in a year? Sleeping with an asphalt worker. Because when they sweat at night, diesel fuel comes out of their pores. I just changed the sheets on my bed and they’re already disgusting. I should have told crazy mattress man that.

After about 20 minutes, Ryan said, “yeah… we’re really just starting to look and we wanted to get some prices…” And the guy had the NERVE to look offended! He said, “well, let me give you my card. I’ll write my hours on it and we’ll see if you come back.”

Just for saying that, I’m never setting foot in that store again. AND for a store called Mattress DISCOUNTERS, it had the most goddamn expensive mattresses I’ve ever seen! I don’t want to pay a grand for a bed. I might pay 500 bucks, and even that’s a little steep. Christ. I’m ready just to blow up my air mattress and put it on my box spring. And why do stores insist on selling mattresses and box springs as a set? I only need a mattress. That’s all! Why is that hard?

I’m like the princess with the pea under her mattress, I swear.

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