Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Hanging by a thread

I feel like my brain is a little frozen today. Yesterday a guy Ryan works with was killed on the job. The details of what exactly happened aren’t quite clear to me, but maybe that’s because I’m trying to block it out of my mind. A backhoe basically crushed him. The guy was only 20. He worked on a different crew than Ryan did. Needless to say, Ryan has been pretty upset, as are the rest of the guys that he works with, because something like that could have happened to any of them. And that’s the thing that I don’t like thinking about.

Today is a crappy gray day. Everything is somewhat muted through the rainy mist. I can’t even be happy that the Steelers won last night. I just keep thinking of my husband, who I found passed out on the recliner this morning when I got up. I hear voices of my co-workers, happily discussing the game, going on with life as usual, and I feel like I’m detached from all of it.

At the same time the happy feeling that I still have my husband with me lingers. My emotions are so mixed today. My mom called me twice last night to ask me what happened, and I couldn’t help but be annoyed. I know she was just concerned about Ryan and how he was feeling, but I felt like her calling me and asking me for details was making me think about what happened. Then she started with her sighing thing that she does when she’s upset. Reflecting on that later, I realized that I was doing the same fucking thing, gasping for breath when I didn’t really need to.

It’s shaping up to be a rough week. I’m hoping things will improve. I’m also hoping for an ultrasound to be scheduled at my doctor’s appointment tonight. Wish me luck. And wish Ryan luck in finding a new career path, because he’s cemented his notions of maybe moving on from the paving industry into a done deal.

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