Thursday, August 25, 2005

I'm still not afraid to wear a bathing suit...


meontheboat
Originally uploaded by Elosquirrel.

If you’ve ever wondered why I’m so obsessed with my weight, here it is: my mother. She obviously has some deeply rooted issues with her self esteem and has felt the need to pick at me my whole life about how much I weigh and what I look like.

Right now is NOT the time to do this to E-Lo, what with my explosive temper and all.

My dear friends, I have gained upwards of 40 pounds, possibly more (it’s been a week and 2 days since I’ve been weighed). Granted, this is more than the “suggested” weight gain for a normal pregnancy. But so far, my doctor has had no comment about my weight. So I figure I’m doing fine. I expect to possibly gain 11 more pounds (1 pound per week in the last trimester… I only have 11 weeks left), maybe more if I feel feisty. Obviously my body has the need to gain this weight, otherwise, what with my speedy pregnancy induced metabolism, I would not have gained this much.

My mom confided in me that she gained 40 pounds or more while pregnant with my brother and I. She’s about 5’2, so she’s just a little thing. So the other night, when visiting the puppies, I confessed my weight to her, she flipped.

Keep in mind that when my butt gets a little bigger than normal, she likes to smack it and tease me about it. I don’t appreciate that, never have, and never will. I don’t know how to make it absolutely clear to her that she needs to just mind her own business. She meddles in my life entirely too much, and have I mentioned the guilt before? Oh, I have? YEAH.

Here’s what she said about my weight gain:

“You’re going to be sorry! You’re never going to be able to lose all that. I’m telling you…”

So what, Mom, should I go on a fucking diet or something? Would you like me to starve myself AND my developing child? THAT sounds like a GREAT fucking idea. After my initial freak out, I told her that I was leaving. She called me SENSITIVE. Sensitive? YOU’RE the one telling the pregnant woman that she’s basically a fat ass and then you have the NERVE to call her sensitive? She tried making it into some kind of big joke like she always does, but I wasn’t dealing with it. I calmly told her and my dad good-bye and left.

I know my mom has struggled with her weight and her body over the years. She and I, however, are NOT built the same. We have the same pudgy belly, and that’s the extent of it. Every single person that I’ve talked to has reassured me that losing the weight won’t be a problem (including you guys), especially since I plan on breastfeeding (something my mom didn’t do). I’m a fairly average sized girl. I may have put on a few pounds since getting married, but I have never been overweight. I feel like she wants me to start throwing up after my meals or something.

How can I make it clear to her that I’m sick of her SHIT without feeling like shit? I know she doesn’t do it to be mean, but I feel personally attacked when she does it.

And I’m NOT sensitive. Bitch.

Gah.

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