Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Sing along now… I’m a(n ex) smoker…

I must admit, every once in a while I think about how nice it might be to have a cigarette. But do you know what prevents me from doing that? Guilt. Pregnancy is full of it, especially here in America. For all the freedoms we supposedly have in this country, the right to do what you want in moderation during pregnancy sure as hell isn’t one of them. I’ve seen women on pregnancy message boards get totally flamed for suggesting that it might be ok if you have one glass of wine per week. And while I believe that it’s fine as well, you won’t catch me doing it. Why? Guilt.

The more I see women smoking, the less attractive it becomes to me. Next time you’re around an older women who smokes, watch how disgusting it looks when she’s taking a drag off that thing. You’ll discover what it looks like when your Aunt Mable is giving your Uncle Frank a blow job. It’s THAT disgusting looking. First there’s the sucking part, then the release where a little puff of smoke comes out. That’s when they’re really sucking that smoke down into their lungs and you can watch them savor it. I imagine the look on their face is the same one I have on when I’m eating ice cream. Then comes the exhale. And they sit with that thing up in the air, and use it to highlight their points in conversation. I’ve been noticing a lot of older women smoking, and I hope that I don’t become one, because it’s just nasty looking. Not to mention the smell. Even when I smoked I hated the smell of cigarettes. Of course now it’s more repulsive than ever.

Ryan and I agreed that when we found out we were having a baby that we would quit smoking. I smoked a lot, sometimes a pack a day. He bugged me for months before the pregnancy to cut down, but I smoked out of sheer boredom. I was on break at Target, so I smoked. I was in my car on the way to work, so I smoked. I was at home, sitting on my couch, so I smoked. I didn’t feel like I ever really wanted to quit. There were times in the past that I did want to quit, and I did a few times, but it never lasted long. A few months at most. I tried everything. Lollipops, gum, Zyban, hypnosis. Everything worked initially, until I got back around my smoker friends. Out of my largish group of friends, I think approximately three or four of them are non smokers.

So it didn’t surprise me when Ryan couldn’t quit smoking. It did surprise me that I had no problem quitting. Aside from a week of strange cigarette cravings (that I didn’t give in to… guilt, remember) I’ve been pretty much repulsed by the whole act of smoking. I’m a little disappointed that Ryan couldn’t quit, of course, but I’m not going to pester him over it. I hope that one day he can quit. Thankfully he doesn’t smoke around me or in the house. Maybe once winter rolls around and we have a baby, things will be easier for him.

Speaking of Ryan, we’ve been getting along much better in the last couple of days. He admitted to me last night that he’s been very stressed lately, which I already knew, because he only gets extremely cranky when stressed. Unfortunately the stress of worrying about his mom isn’t going to go away anytime soon. I know some of our friends read what I write here, and they might be surprised that I’m so frank about me and Ryan’s relationship, but keep in mind, it’s just an outlet for me. Just like writing songs is an outlet for him. He’s not interested in contributing to my writing, just like I’m not interested in contributing to his. Not because we don’t care, but because it’s good to have separate interests. And if he ever expresses an interest in reading what I write here, he’s more than welcome. These are my feelings, my opinions, my life experiences. If you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t read it. But I’m not going to censor it, especially not now when I need to get everything out there, because holding it all in makes me feel like I’m going to explode.

Just felt the need to add that little disclaimer.

I always felt much more uptight when I quit smoking in the past. That might be true now, too. I feel like sometimes I step over the edge of being opinionated into being fanatical, which is exactly what I hate about other people. For some reason (could it be pregnancy, the time in your life when EVERYONE wants to give you their unsolicited advice?) I feel very judged right now in my personal life. I hope I’m just imagining it.

Oh, and the lovely ladies over at DotMoms linked me. That's cool. Thanks, mamacitas.

I’m going to stop typing now and inhale a muffin. Yeah, I baked it. You’re jealous. Uh huh.

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