This is me on the inside.
This sucks. Today is only Tuesday. I’m sick of being stressed this week and my job sucks monkey balls.
It’s a crappy day. Ryan’s mom is going for surgery sometime this week, on top of seeing about a dozen different types of doctors, so pray, chant, send vibes, think positive thoughts, or do whatever it is you do, for them to figure out what is wrong with her. She’s diabetic, and for some reason she is losing blood. She’s been in the hospital twice in the past month and a half and her stupid jackass doctor still doesn’t know what’s wrong with her. Luckily, instead of being so stubborn, she finally decided to go to someone who knows what they’re doing (hopefully). On top of everything else, she “displaced” (huh?) a bone in her foot, and is unable to walk. She’s a mess. And I’m stressed about it, and Ryan is stressed about it, and it stresses me even more to see him stressed, and it’s all STRESS. I have a headache just thinking about it.
All this stress is making me utterly exhausted. I feel like I felt early in this pregnancy, unable to get off my couch. Except instead of resting, I’m furiously cleaning, cleaning, and cleaning. Nothing can be clean enough. I can’t focus my attention on any one thing for an extended period of time. I sit down to read and I suddenly have the urge to pull weeds out of my flowerbed. I get on the internet to look something up and something else catches my attention and I forget what I was originally there to do. People ask me questions at work and I look at them with my dumb face, because I have no fucking clue what they’re talking about. I can’t even hear the words coming out of their mouths… it’s like I’m hearing the adults on Charlie Brown.
Everyday tasks frustrate the shit out of me. I was mopping on Sunday and started crying because I couldn’t find the scrub brush that attaches to my broom handle. I was crazed. I still am crazed. I wanted to bite my coworker’s head off yesterday because I didn’t like the way he asked me a question. I feel like I might snap at any moment and run screaming out of my building.The only time I feel vaguely normal is when Ryan is around, which isn’t a lot, since he works a gazillion hours a week.
This sudden burst of hormone intensity is making me insane. It’s also so hard for me to catch my breath. I start wheezing just from standing up.
Needless to say, I need a break from everyday life. I’m enjoying the being pregnant part, but I’m not enjoying the craziness involved with it. But it seems like the craziness just popped up out of nowhere. Sort of. I’ve even snapped at my mom half a dozen times when she’s done nothing but buy me stuff, including giving me 400 bucks to buy my crib. Sheesh. I’m such a bitch.
I hope the bitchiness ends soon so my normal life can resume.
22 week belly pic is up at the baby blog. It seems bigger than the last one, but it doesn’t look that way.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
This is me on the inside.