Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Alien Fuzzball

Thinking back a couple weeks to when I never gave a second thought to using a back-up birth control, I realize that I knew that this was happening to my body, even if I wasn’t aware of it yet. In the 2 weeks that I was pregnant with out knowing it, subconsciously, I did know it. I talked about baby names that I liked. I smiled at babies in department stores. I pointed out the lines in my friends palms that are supposed to indicate the number of kids you are supposed to have and showed them that I have 2 lines. I talked about how your ribcage spreads and never goes back with two girlfriends. Weird little foreshadowing things happened. All the signs were pointing to it. How could I have missed it?

I know I talked about my annoyance I felt a few weeks ago while just hanging out with the same people I normally hang out with who I've never felt annoyed by (only that once Greg, when you and Jon Kelly made fun of my feet. Back in '95) other than Ryan, who annoys me daily (I'm sure he's loving me right now too). All annoyance aside, I’ve discovered what I’m really feeling is alienation. None of my friends have kids. I don’t know if any of them ever will. I never thought I’d be the first one to do it, like some sort of parent pioneer. I was always the one who threw the awesome parties (Cocktail ’99 being one of my best), and my husband was the life of the party. I think we are people that other people like to be around, once they know that I’m not going to bite their heads off. I talked about how I used to regard babies as “social liability” on my baby blog. Now I have to think about the way I felt while I was cringing as someone’s child was screaming and adjust that feeling. Now I have to be one of those people with a screaming child. And most of the time I feel completely alone in this. I know that I’m not alone. I know my husband is there to back me up, and our parents, and our friends, but I’m the one who has become the walking, talking fetus house. That’s the source of my alienation that nobody else can understand, simply because they’re not me.

Last week I had this horrible, vivid dream that I was in this dark, scary place, searching for my shoes. My only source of comfort was that I was with my friend Rob. I told him about the dream, and he offered this interpretation about the shoes: "To dream that you are not wearing any shoes, signifies that you have a lack of confidence in yourself and low self-assurance. You may be dealing with issues concerning your self-identity. Thus if you dream that you lose your shoes, then it suggests that you may be searching for your identity and finding/exploring who you are.” That is incredibly significant to me. I am searching for my identity. One day I was E-Lo, party girl, working for the weekend, and the next I’m E-Lo, mom-to-be. That’s quite a change. On top of that, it’s a change that I wasn’t even prepared for. The alienation stems from having to change my identity to find myself as a mother, something that I’ve never been before in any way, shape, or form. Feeling this way makes me shy away from my former life just a bit. Although Ryan keeps urging me not to be a “shut-in,” the place I want to be right now is my house. I’m terrified to be any place other than that for fear of losing my temper at the world, or worse yet, my friends.

This Friday I have to be in a very social situation that I can only hope will not annoy me to tears. Ryan’s band is playing with four other bands, and I know there will be people there that I haven’t seen yet, congratulating me and asking all kinds of questions that I just don’t want to answer. I don’t want to talk baby with people 24-7. I want to do it here, where I can be unadulterated and uninhibited, and express my emotions freely without anyone really judging me. And if anyone tries to touch my stomach, arms might be ripped off. I’m already sick to death of everyone telling me what this is going to be like, yet I’m so full of curiosity that it’s just confusing. On Sunday I had Ryan’s eleven year old cousin tell me that her mom said it’s going to suck for me to have to be pregnant during the summer, and that once I get really big I’ll start snoring really loud. What do you say to that? Uh…you’re eleven! Didn’t you just start your period for the FIRST TIME last week? It all just makes me want to hide in my house on my couch for the next 8 months or so. I don’t want people to not be around me because I’m such a freakish bitch, but I’m afraid to be around them for fear that I am a freakish bitch.

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