“This is your first moment of degradation on the job”… that’s what I always thought about taking drug tests for jobs in retail. They make you pee into a cup, prying into your private life, seeing what kind of chemicals you might have floating around in there. I always hated having to do that, not because I consistently use illegal substances, but because, as the title of this post claims, it feels degrading.
I never thought about it from the other side though. The people who collect your pee, pour it into those little flasks and apply those sticky little labels with your signature on them. That’s a fairly degrading job, now that I think about it. But you know what? Just like anything else, it’s a job. We’ve all been in crappy situations, whether it’s redneck wives constantly asking for copies of “3” for their redneck husbands, tripping and falling in front of customers at the electronics counter, or being told off by people who are no better than you because you don’t have a new release video game in stock and they drove all the way from where the fuck ever who the fuck cares. Yeah. I feel your pain.
So because I’m going to be working for a company who specializes in background investigations and pre-employment screenings, I had to do the pee in a cup thing yesterday. Have I mentioned that Monday will be my THIRD week in a row of not working? My husband is practically shitting his pants that I haven’t made any money in almost 3 weeks. But anyway, so I received a Fed Ex package from my soon-to-be company (and the Fed Ex man just unceremoniously threw the package on my porch and practically ran away like I might open the door and bite his face off like a rabid chipmunk) with the paperwork for my pre-employment drug screening. Yay! One step closer to a start date!
So I dropped Lyric off with my dad and went to pee in a cup. I signed in, and 20 seconds later the women working slid the window open and told me to come back. I handed her my Fed Ex’ed paperwork and she looked at it and heaved a big sigh. That’s when the attitude started.
“This company is such a pain in the ass.” Wow, saying “ass” in front of a client is totally professional, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and chuckle for you.
Dead serious stare. “I’m serious. They’re a pain in the ass. I don’t know, I guess I get sick of touching URINE all day long.” Whoa, lady. You’re talking to the wrong person on this one. Perhaps maybe you should consider another line of work? I mean, you do work for a company that has the word “LAB” in the title. Seems to me that collecting urine is a part of the job description.
“Ok, you can put your purse in that locked box… oh, well, it won’t fit!” Ok, here she’s making fun of me now, because I have a HUGE purse. And the box was tiny. I mean, it was the size of a man’s wallet. What the fuck?
This woman’s attitude was probably the most awful I’ve ever dealt with. And all she had to do was work for a total of 5 minutes. There was nobody else in the office, nobody waiting, and when I came in she was chatting on the phone with someone. She was sitting in front of a computer, probably with internet access, yet she was acting like someone had peed in her Wheaties.
So that’s what I did. I peed on the outside of the cup. BITCH. Who’s sick of touching urine now? I change shit filled diapers all day. Do I love doing that? NO. But do I tell my daughter, “You’re a pain in the ass because I’m sick of touching your shit?” NO. And you know what else? SHE doesn’t give me a paycheck. So SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO YOUR JOB.
I’m sick of rude people. I really really am.