Hi. How are you? You look good today, but that's just because I have you pulled up. It's been a while since we really saw eye to eye. Before I pulled you up, you were wild and all over the place, just like you always are lately.
What's going on with you? You used to be so easy to take care of. That might be because I used to have time to take care of you. Now, as Ryan says, I'm less vain, and I spend less time on you. It's not a lack of caring, just so you know.
Let's talk about your color. Yesterday I tried to make you a lovely light shade of blonde, and apparently you weren't having it. Despite my efforts, you're essentially a dull shade of blah. Don't you remember being blonde? All the fun we used to have? Those days were wonderful, and I'd like to go back there, if only you would cooperate. I know I've been abusing you, coloring you in April, highlighting you in May, and coloring you yet again yesterday. You're so dry and damaged that I had to shell out 28 bucks plus tax and shipping for this. Was it worth it? For you, anything.
You know I love you, right? Please just start cooperating with me. That's all I ask. I won't cut you all off, but you know I'll keep the split ends away. I'll keep you clean and smelling like figs, thanks to Chaz Dean's $28 cleansing conditioner. You'll always be styled, and that's where I need your cooperation. I know it's hot and humid, but just work with me here. Please?