Thursday, September 01, 2005

How loose is your pelvis?

Last night was Lamaze class. For the first time ever, I saw exactly what it looks like when a baby comes out of your vagina. And let me tell you, quite honestly, it’s NOT pretty. It’s pretty disgusting actually. It seems so strange that something so small (the vaginal opening) can stretch to expel an entire, albeit tiny, human being. We watched this happen 3 different times to 3 different women, all of whom had their babies roughly about the time I was born, you know, in the 70's. It was kind of like watching 70’s porn. The women were less than attractive, with wingy hair, and their husbands were fugly and balding, asking them, “Is that ok? Is that good?” as they rubbed their woman’s shoulders and fanned their faces. The women moaned and screamed and suddenly boom! There was the close up of their extremely hairy vaginas bursting with life. Oh, AND there were shower scenes and boobs. Why didn’t these women wear clothes during delivery! Nobody is filming my naked ass when I’m doing this!

We even got to see the delivery of the placenta afterward. Gag.

While this porno/educational video was being shown, I turned my entire body away from Ryan, because I knew if I met his eyes I wouldn’t be able to hold in my laughter. That’s right. I’m 28 and seeing vaginas on screen makes me giggle. What makes me giggle even more than that is imagining my husband’s face as he watched this. After the first video our instructor talked to us a bit about what happened (a BABY came out of her VAGINA) and I met Ryan’s eyes for the first time. He looked like someone had stapled his balls to the chair he was sitting in.

Oh, but it gets worse. As much as I actually LIKE Lamaze class, last night was one of the weirdest nights yet. After the pornos/educational videos we talked about positions that are comfortable during labor and the importance of movement. So our instructor, who is a retired R.N., make us get up and form a conga line whilst she RAPPED a song about “Keep moving! Keep moving!” I’ve never witnessed a more embarrassing moment in my ENTIRE LIFE. I giggled like a 3rd grader the entire time and my face was beet red as my class, my husband, and I conga-ed our way around the room.

And you thought it couldn’t get any worse? You’re WRONG, my friend. Shortly after the conga fiasco, our instructor pulled out this rubber woman she called Tilly. When I say woman, I mean a rubber amputee with a torso and a GIANT GAPING VAGINA. She proceeded to show us what it looks like when the doctor has to use a vacuum extractor to get the baby out (and yes, Tilly had a baby in there that our instructor vacuumed out of her), then she demonstrated using forceps, and then she showed us how the doctor might do an episiotomy.

Pretty bad, right? Oh, we haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet.

Tilly then was subjected to having her perineum massaged by our instructor. You know, that part between your vaginal opening and your asshole? Yeah. That’s the one. It seems that doing this stretches out the muscle and tissues down there that typically tear or are subject to episiotomy. This lessens the chance of either happening. Yes. My little old lady instructor stuck her thumbs in Tilly’s giant vagina and showed us how to massage our OWN perineal areas. She advised us NOT to use Crisco to do this though! Vitamin E oil or even olive oil works fantastically!

I’ll never be able to massage my own perineal area without seeing that woman massaging poor Tilly in front of the entire class.

Lord help me.

(and for those of you as upset about our governments reaction to Hurricane Katrina, here's a post from Daily Kos that you'll probably like that my friend Greg linked me to)

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