Friday, April 29, 2005


I don’t know if I’m having a case of hormonal insanity or if Ryan is being a dick. I’m going to go with the latter. All last night he kept sniping at me, so I’d snipe back, silence would ensue, and things would resume as normal. For example, I told him about my day. I kind of had a crappy experience at work, my boss made me feel and look stupid in front of other members of our team, including the main boss, when something was not my fault and was something that someone else did. I was pissed about it, but didn’t want to come across as petty and say, “but I didn’t do that, he did!” So I kept my mouth shut, because I don’t think he actually meant to make me feel dumb, I may have been feeling hypersensitive, which is normal for me right now. You know what Ryan said? “You never stick up for yourself. Anytime your boss says something to you that you disagree with, tell him! He’s not God, he’s just your boss. The only thing you can do for yourself is buy clothes. Stick up for yourself for once.” WHAT? Apparently someone is harboring some anger over my Old Navy shopping spree that I only spend $50 bucks on! I NEED NEW PANTS! MY OLD ONES DON’T FIT ANYMORE BECAUSE I’M CARRYING YOUR CHILD!

At any rate, this is what he was like all night. Finally I couldn’t take anymore and I asked him what the hell his attitude was all about. He, being male, acted all stupid. “What do you mean, MY attitude?” So I got up and marched off to the bedroom to the tune of “Oh, fine, storm off like always!” Then I cried. And cried. Then I went in the bathroom. I cried there too. Because let me tell you what happens to me when I’m having a bad day and start crying. The downward spiral begins. Here’s my train of thought: My husband hates me. I don’t know why he’s acting like this. What did I do? How can I live like this? We’re getting divorced. I’m going to have to raise this kid all by myself. Why is this happening when I’m pregnant? What did I do to deserve this life?

Yeah, I know, it sounds a little dramatic, but that’s how the downward spiral goes. It happens any time anything bad happens. I don’t know if it happens to other pregnant women that way, but that’s what happens to me.

The thing that’s been pissing me off about Ryan lately is that he acts like such an old man. He’s always bitching and moaning that his mom and dad give him nothing but negativity, and that’s exactly what he’s doing to me. I can’t say anything without a negative reaction to it, and I don’t want our kid treated the way his mom treated him (although she denies any bad behavior on her part).

But the worst part about it is feeling like I’m the crazy one. Then I blame myself and feel guilty and stress out. And he doesn’t set aside time just to spend with me. We can’t even talk because he’s always on the phone or making plans to hang out. Last night I asked him if we could spend some time together, so he turned off his cell phone and called his friend to tell him he wasn’t going out. Then what do you know, our regular phone rings and he’s on it for an hour. And tonight he’s going to a BACHELOR PARTY. Tomorrow he has plans with his boss. It makes me crazy. I think I’ve been more than patient. I hope he realized that when this kid gets here, all the freedom and fun he’s allowed to have now that I’m not allowed to have is going to have to equal out. This is a guy that can sleep through his loud annoying ass alarm clock every morning, is he going to be able to sleep through a baby crying? Something in me says yes.

At least I figured out why I don’t want to have sex with him. And I kind of feel better since I’ve vented, but not really. This must have been on my mind for awhile without me realizing it. As my mother used to tell me, “shape up or ship out.” I think that goes without saying.

I hate spending the day on the verge of tears. It doesn’t happen very often, but today is one of those days.

*I just got off the phone with my darling husband and it seems that he won’t be able to make it to the bachelor party tonight because he’s stuck at work. They were going to go see Clutch somewhere in Pittsburgh, and the guys he was going to ride with are meeting at 6. It seems that instead he’s going to be shoveling asphalt by hand, because both of their pavers are broken down. So I told I was still upset and I was having a bad day. He agreed. He apologized again, and asked what I was upset about. I told him we’d talk about it later. I think he’s genuinely sorry for upsetting me. He’s usually not a dickhead, and we don’t fight very often. Usually when we do we resolve it very quickly. It may be hormonal over reaction on my part this time though. I’m feeling better now… not so weepy. It’s very awkward when my eyes start tearing up at work… I hate crying in front of people. I don’t get much human interaction here though.
Plus I’m eating Cheetos and listening to the Sex Pistols. Ahh.*

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