Sunday, January 11, 2009

On trying to feel normal and not succeeding...

The last couple of days have been increasingly frustrating for me, and I feel incredibly guilty because of it. The cause of my frustration is Lyric, who definitely can be sweet as pie and I love her dearly. I realize that I work all week, and when I'm around she just wants to be near me, but the past few days have felt almost like that one time I was dating that guy that really didn't let me breathe. She's got to be on top of me at all times, and if she's not, she's saying, "mama, mama, mama, mama," on repeat. The level of annoyance I feel makes me wonder if my meds have stopped working - yesterday I was ready to throw myself into oncoming traffic. Instead, I put my ipod in my ears and set about cleaning the bathroom.

Is it wrong that I feel this way? Because I feel totally wrong. There are moments that I'd love to just be able to be alone - to be able to check my email or update my facebook status without a little person constantly tugging on my arm or trying to crawl into my lap. I know she loves me - I've already heard it from my mom, because I admitted to her the other day that I just called her and put her on speakerphone so Lyric would leave the room I was in - she hates talking to any of her grandparents on the phone.

I love my kid - I really do. But when is it "me" time? Ryan is laid off right now, and he spends the day with her - he gets to go out at night and hang out and do whatever. It's the classic situation of becoming a mother - my life is either work or being mom. It doesn't leave time for much else.

Just had to get my frustration out - as hard as it is to type with a squirming three year old in your lap.

I will say that yesterday we had a great snowstorm - probably close to a foot of snow. Lyric and I went outside and played, and I found it really fun to run uncontrollably through the snow and just let myself fall. Lyric thought that was hysterical.

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