Ryan and I have been properly initiated in the bonds of parenthood. Here’s how.
I put Lyric down in her bouncer for about 5 minutes the other day to switch laundry around. She started fussing a little bit so I picked her up and noticed that her bum was damp. Being Ms. Mommy, I said to her, “oh no, someone has pee pee pants!” and proceeded to get her diaper changing pad and a diaper out.
Upon removing her pants, I realized that I wasn’t, in fact, dealing with pee pee. No sir. I was dealing with poopies. Poopies of the disastrous variety. As I peeled her pants I saw the chunky mustardy goo oozing from within her onesie. But I had no idea of what was beneath. I jokingly called out to Ryan, “I got a poopie one here, I might need some backup!” Backup indeed. Because as I unsnapped her onesie, I saw the frightening mess that was beneath. The poop had somehow exploded from her ass and projectiled to the front of her diaper, where it had burst out the top and all over her fat little belly. It was in her belly button. It was around her back. And the kicker? We had to somehow pull her onesie up over her head to get it off.
Ryan came running at the sound of terror in my voice. How had this happened? Where had we gone wrong with the diaper? What had we done to deserve this? I was almost hyperventilating through my insane laughter. We headed directly to the shower, where Ryan carefully tried to wipe some of the mess from her belly and peel her onesie off without getting poop on her face. Unfortunately we got a little on her head, but hey, we’re inexperienced. We started up the shower and Ryan held her out while I hosed her off. All the while she’s just looking at us with this bewildered expression on her face, like “what the fuck are you guys doing to me?”
We dried her off, re-diapered and clothed her, and all was well. Crisis over. The only thing I need to know is how the hell do you get baby poop stains out? And why does it stain so badly? It’s poop for cryin’ out loud! Poop!