Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Tuesday Bluesday

Ever have one of those days where it just feels like everything is falling apart at the seams? I’m having one of those days. On top of all of my regular bullshit stress that I deal with on a day to day basis, I just found out that my niece lost her baby. And yes, in my strange extended family, I do have a niece who is old enough to have a baby. She’s only a couple years younger than I am. She got married in March, and got pregnant right away. She was due in February, and went for a sonogram, and there was no heartbeat. So she has to go to the doctor tomorrow to bascially get the fetus removed. I don’t know if there’s a more delicate way of putting that. I’m struggling with how to feel about this at the moment. I’m not very close with my family, other than my mom and dad, so it’s a strange feeling. I feel kind of disconnected, but I want to be there for her. I’m terrible with these kinds of things. I’m so awkward and strange when it comes to death. I never know what to do. Plus she lives in South Carolina, and here I am, stuck in PA. I can’t even begin to imagine what she must be feeling. I’m somebody who will probably never have kids. I don’t really want them, and I can’t imagine my life with children. Maybe it’s selfishness (as I’ve been told by relatives who have children coming out of their ears) or whatever, but I’m really not mom material. But I know it must be terrible to be excited about bringing a baby of your own into the world and then to lose it. All the anticipation and happiness just stamped out for no apparent reason.

I was talking to my mom on the phone about this, and she broke down and started crying. Then I remembered that the same thing happened to my mom between having my brother and I. I would have had a brother who was 2 years younger than me. I remember being younger and wondering what it would have been like to have two younger brothers instead of just one. Of course my brother Jerry, who is four years younger than me, might have never been born if that were the case. It’s weird to think about that. The worst part of it is that my mom, without the benefit of sonograms in the 70’s, probably carried him to full term. But I didn’t ask. Hearing my mother sob over the phone is uncomfortable enough without bringing up bad memories.

I was excited to welcome another great-niece/nephew into the world. I have 10 nieces and nephews total, and one great-niece. One of my nieces is a step-niece, and her 2 brothers are my step-nephews. Another one of my nieces died two years ago at the end of October. She was 17, and the younger sister of my niece who lost her baby. I can only imagine what my older brother (who I haven’t seen in over a decade and lives in Nevada) must be feeling, being so close to the anniversary of my niece’s death. It’s been a rough month for my family, extended and scattered about the country as we all are. It’s so hard to have a person just ripped out of your life. And it’s strange to think about the people who might have been part of your family, but didn’t have the chance.

On a brighter note, I got my pictures of the scary old twins. Look for that one next.

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