Friday, April 29, 2005

Ugh *UPDATED*

I don’t know if I’m having a case of hormonal insanity or if Ryan is being a dick. I’m going to go with the latter. All last night he kept sniping at me, so I’d snipe back, silence would ensue, and things would resume as normal. For example, I told him about my day. I kind of had a crappy experience at work, my boss made me feel and look stupid in front of other members of our team, including the main boss, when something was not my fault and was something that someone else did. I was pissed about it, but didn’t want to come across as petty and say, “but I didn’t do that, he did!” So I kept my mouth shut, because I don’t think he actually meant to make me feel dumb, I may have been feeling hypersensitive, which is normal for me right now. You know what Ryan said? “You never stick up for yourself. Anytime your boss says something to you that you disagree with, tell him! He’s not God, he’s just your boss. The only thing you can do for yourself is buy clothes. Stick up for yourself for once.” WHAT? Apparently someone is harboring some anger over my Old Navy shopping spree that I only spend $50 bucks on! I NEED NEW PANTS! MY OLD ONES DON’T FIT ANYMORE BECAUSE I’M CARRYING YOUR CHILD!

At any rate, this is what he was like all night. Finally I couldn’t take anymore and I asked him what the hell his attitude was all about. He, being male, acted all stupid. “What do you mean, MY attitude?” So I got up and marched off to the bedroom to the tune of “Oh, fine, storm off like always!” Then I cried. And cried. Then I went in the bathroom. I cried there too. Because let me tell you what happens to me when I’m having a bad day and start crying. The downward spiral begins. Here’s my train of thought: My husband hates me. I don’t know why he’s acting like this. What did I do? How can I live like this? We’re getting divorced. I’m going to have to raise this kid all by myself. Why is this happening when I’m pregnant? What did I do to deserve this life?

Yeah, I know, it sounds a little dramatic, but that’s how the downward spiral goes. It happens any time anything bad happens. I don’t know if it happens to other pregnant women that way, but that’s what happens to me.

The thing that’s been pissing me off about Ryan lately is that he acts like such an old man. He’s always bitching and moaning that his mom and dad give him nothing but negativity, and that’s exactly what he’s doing to me. I can’t say anything without a negative reaction to it, and I don’t want our kid treated the way his mom treated him (although she denies any bad behavior on her part).

But the worst part about it is feeling like I’m the crazy one. Then I blame myself and feel guilty and stress out. And he doesn’t set aside time just to spend with me. We can’t even talk because he’s always on the phone or making plans to hang out. Last night I asked him if we could spend some time together, so he turned off his cell phone and called his friend to tell him he wasn’t going out. Then what do you know, our regular phone rings and he’s on it for an hour. And tonight he’s going to a BACHELOR PARTY. Tomorrow he has plans with his boss. It makes me crazy. I think I’ve been more than patient. I hope he realized that when this kid gets here, all the freedom and fun he’s allowed to have now that I’m not allowed to have is going to have to equal out. This is a guy that can sleep through his loud annoying ass alarm clock every morning, is he going to be able to sleep through a baby crying? Something in me says yes.

At least I figured out why I don’t want to have sex with him. And I kind of feel better since I’ve vented, but not really. This must have been on my mind for awhile without me realizing it. As my mother used to tell me, “shape up or ship out.” I think that goes without saying.

I hate spending the day on the verge of tears. It doesn’t happen very often, but today is one of those days.

*I just got off the phone with my darling husband and it seems that he won’t be able to make it to the bachelor party tonight because he’s stuck at work. They were going to go see Clutch somewhere in Pittsburgh, and the guys he was going to ride with are meeting at 6. It seems that instead he’s going to be shoveling asphalt by hand, because both of their pavers are broken down. So I told I was still upset and I was having a bad day. He agreed. He apologized again, and asked what I was upset about. I told him we’d talk about it later. I think he’s genuinely sorry for upsetting me. He’s usually not a dickhead, and we don’t fight very often. Usually when we do we resolve it very quickly. It may be hormonal over reaction on my part this time though. I’m feeling better now… not so weepy. It’s very awkward when my eyes start tearing up at work… I hate crying in front of people. I don’t get much human interaction here though.
Plus I’m eating Cheetos and listening to the Sex Pistols. Ahh.*

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Weekly Weirdness

A bird flew into my kitchen window this morning as I was pouring my cup of coffee (yes, I’m still drinking coffee! REBEL!!! Ok, it’s only half caffeinated… shut up.) I peeked through the blinds to see if it might have knocked itself silly, but I think it continued flying… I wonder if it saw little birdies flying in circles around its head…

Horror movie aficionados, I went on a lunch time nonsense drive (I have to kill that hour somehow) and drove past the Evans City cemetery. You know, the cemetery featured in the original Night of the Living Dead! Driving past I remembered my first and last visit there… I was probably 16 or 17, with my stoner boyfriend. He thought it would be fun to drive through there at night and scare me. Apparently he wasn’t the only one looking for kicks in a graveyard. We turned a corner and saw another car (mind you, this was after midnight) and he practically shit his pants in terror. TERROR OF ANOTHER CAR. He was much more afraid than I was and flew out of that place as if his life depended on it. He was such a pussy. “They’re coming to get you, Adam.”

I saw a chipmunk chasing a mouse yesterday. In real life. On a road. I almost ran them over. I didn’t know that chipmunks were aggressive toward smaller animals. That and the bird are the weirdest animal acts I’ve seen lately.

I have no interest whatsoever in sex. I’ve heard all these stories about how women are supposed to be super horny bitches when they’re pregnant, and worse yet, Ryan has heard those stories too. I just want nothing to do with sex. AT ALL. Ryan is being a trooper though, poor guy. It might be psychological… I’ve also read that can happen, since all you can think about is the baby. Any suggestions on how to get over this and get myself in the mood?

Monday, April 25, 2005

Good news for me and discovering the mommy within

I was reading the latest issue of Self yesterday and I stumbled across an article about “mommy brain.” If you haven’t heard of this phenomenon, it basically states that women get stupid after they have kids. There have been studies in the workplace that show that people think that pregnant women are less competent and less deserving of raises and promotions. It’s not entirely shocking that people might think that, considering how preoccupied I’ve been for the last couple months. Like. You. Haven’t. Noticed. Certainly I’ve been preoccupied. What woman wouldn’t be preoccupied with this strange occurrence that is pregnancy? It’s all consuming. It takes over your entire being, including parts of your brain. But I don’t feel any less competent. I can still focus on my work. I still feel creative and inspired.

There was a study done where 100 brand new mothers were given an IQ test, and they scored much lower than women without children. So does that make mommies stupider than other women, or could it be that scoring high isn’t exactly a priority when you’ve got a little teeny bean demanding your boob, your love, your attention, your whole self? That’s what I think. So I have to check out this book. Because it says that becoming a mother actually makes you SMARTER. You have better retention, more motivation, more resiliency, higher social skills and emotional intelligence, among other things. Aren’t most moms the queens of multi tasking? Hello! Don’t pregnant women have heightened senses? I know I can smell ANYTHING from a mile away. Believe me, I didn’t ask for this type of talent. Because there are a lot more gross smells in this world than good ones (HOW did I EVER smoke?).

I know that a lot of non-mothers look at new mothers with a sense of scorn. I know because I was one of them. I believed that motherhood dumbed you down and made you no fun anymore. I witnessed it with my own eyes as my closest cousin had her first kids. We hung out all the time and did cool things. Suddenly she became obsessed with diapers and binkies and had no time for fun time with me. I felt resentful. I told her I didn’t want children. She told me I was selfish. I thought, “you BITCH. Just because you’re stuck with kids doesn’t mean that I have to be. I want to LIVE!” Looking back on the way I felt, I was selfish. All she was trying to do was convince me of the joy she felt in becoming a mom. And instead of becoming involved with her kids, I withdrew and became angry. I saw little kids as the enemy and felt certain satisfaction when I found out someone I didn’t like was pregnant. “Ha! Now you have no life!” What kind of BEEYOTCH was I?

I won’t lie. I’m not good with kids. I never have been. Even when I was a kid. Babies scare me. They’re so fragile and helpless. But I got the chance to hold a brand new person over the weekend and it was amazing. She just slept in my arms and looked so content, even though she didn’t know me at all. At one point she opened her eyes and looked at me with this face that clearly said, “Who the fuck are you?” and decided, “oh, screw it” and went back to sleep. It was nice knowing that even though she didn’t know me I could make her feel secure and comfortable enough that she didn’t cry, she just fell back asleep.

Becoming a mother is so full of self discovery. I know that everyone says “Motherhood changes everything,” but you don’t realize the extent of it until it’s happening to you. The world is a little brighter, you’re more aware of your body and the rapid changes in it, and you’re aware of your spiritual self and the changes that happen to that part of you.

I’ve come a long way since the day I took my pregnancy test and cried in despair for a half hour as my husband tried to comfort me. I knew what he told me was true, that we’d get through this, and it all snapped into place. Weren’t we going to do this eventually anyway? Sure, we planned on getting a dog first, but won’t it be exciting when we get our KID our first dog? We MADE this. It truly was a miracle. A biological miracle, due to a few chemical glitches in my body that I otherwise would have caught. Marriage made me a little careless. And maybe we weren’t quite financially ready, but now we have a great excuse to get that aspect ready (which is why I won’t be doing anything all summer, because we’re paying off cars and credit cards… those student loans have to wait though). But looking at the pattern of events leading up to this, everything was falling into place to MAKE it happen (I’d never make it if I were still working at Target… I’d have passed out 20 times by now and my doctor would have put me on bed rest… thanks, new lazy job!). It was supposed to happen this way. Sometimes you can plan and plan until you’re blue in the face, then something happens that wasn’t in the plan. Sometimes that’s a good thing.

I think realizing all of this has made me smarter.

I’ve created a lot of stuff in my life. This takes the cake. I can’t wait to see what’s cooking in there.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Root Beer Floaters

I’m so into root beer right now, it’s like a fetish. I mentioned the other day that I really like A&W. Now I’m starting to look into more obscure brands, much like a regular beer aficionado might do. I’ve discovered a Philadelphia brand called Hanks that is one of the best yet. And today while I was on my lunch break, I found Red Ribbon Bottling Home Brewed Style Root Beer, which is bottled right near me in Natrona, PA. And my uncle works there… so naturally I had to buy it. I don’t think I’ve tasted their root beer since I was a kid, but I remember really liking that and their birch beer. Mostly because I thought I was cool cause I was drinking something with “beer” in the label.

I found a website that has tons of different brands of root beer on it. There are so many! I want to try them all!

I also bought tapioca pudding on my lunch break. Root beer and tapioca. And chocolate covered raisins. Damn, I’m weak.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Look at the pathetic stretchy clothes girl…

I have a new game I play every night. It entails taking a shirt of my choosing out of the closet, spraying it with water, and stretching the bottom of it. Usually it’s one of my vast collection of cotton ¾ length sleeve shirts, they seem to be extra stretchy. I do this because once the bottom is a little stretched out, it doesn’t hug my stomach and reveal its bumpiness. I lay it flat on the bed to dry and in the morning it’s like I bought a large shirt instead of a medium. I also don’t have to spend any money on new large non maternity clothes. Right now maternity clothes look ridiculous on me. It looks like I’m swimming in fabric. And I’m not buying clothes that are too big for me. I already made that mistake. I bought a shirt and some stretchy denim capris that are a couple sizes too big and it looks like I’m wearing hand me downs. I know I’m not going to fit into my regular clothes forever… I’m quickly outgrowing most of the stuff I have. But I’m trying to make what fits me last a while. It's like a small fashion disaster.

Friday, April 15, 2005

It’s the little things

In a week full of thorns, here are my roses:

1.Yoga pants. It’s like they were specifically designed for the barely pregnant woman. Stretchy and comfortable. Even if I’m not quite motivated to do yoga yet. I’m still waiting on my video from Amazon… it’s been a week, where the hell is it?

2. A&W Root beer. Root beer alone is awesome. It’s caffeine free, and nummy and carbonated and makes me belch like a beluga whale. I don’t know if belugas actually belch, but if they did, whew! Look out! At work we have Mug, which is good, but it’s no A&W. So imagine my surprise and gratitude yesterday when I put my money in the Pepsi machine, pushed the Mug button, and an A&W rolled out. It doesn’t take a lot to make my day.

3. Britney Spears pregnancy announcement makes me really happy. I don’t know why, but it does. It’s like a sickness.

4. Grilled cheese with pickles. Heaven. I ate more grilled cheese this week than ever before in my life. Add the obligatory tomato soup and it’s like an orgasm in my mouth. Yeah, I know that sounds perverse, but I don’t care.

5. Oranges. I love oranges! They are sweet, juicy and orange! And fun to peel, especially at my desk, where they squirt all over my keyboard and monitor. I love oranges!

6. Cows in my backyard. I got out of my car the other day, and there they were! On the edge of the woods behind my house. The farmer who owns the field that meets my backyard moved his cow pasture. So I have even better country scenery! Cows are fun, especially babies. Next time you see a baby cow, I dare you to stick a finger in its mouth. Just to see what happens. I’ve done it. I still have every single digit.

7. Thursday Next. If you haven’t read “The Eyre Affair,” you should. You’ll be as addicted as I am. I started the second book in the series last night. Good stuff. And it’s a nice break from the evil “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.”

So my week has been very very VERY long. And peppered with stressful circumstances beyond my control. So I’m focusing on the positive. And it’s Friday, which is another plus. I’ve been looking forward to the weekend all week. I’m going to plant flowers and read in the sun and eat sammiches.

It’s a simple life for this girl.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Holy Crap

I need baby clothes from here:
http://www.tshirthell.com/babyhell.shtml
If your sense of humor is even remotely as sick as mine, you will laugh your ass off.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Squirrels Like Trees

Occasionally I like to torment myself for weeks on end by arguing with people about politics and religion. I’m so opinionated on some things that it frustrates me to no end when I see things that conflict with my views. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? It is in some ways, but a lot of the time I have the right to be frustrated. I almost don’t want to post this because I feel like I need to censor myself, but I think it’s something I need to get off my chest. I'm not aiming to offend anyone purposely.

I’m a fairly logical person. I like fantasy when it includes me winning the Powerball and never having to work another day in my life. I don’t like fantasy when it interferes with the way the world actually works. For instance, the Bible. It’s an interesting book full of fantastical tales, some of which have good lessons, and some of which tell you that if a child disrespects a parent, stone them to death. If a woman that’s engaged gets pregnant to a rapist, stone HER to death. But don’t forget to go to church and love everyone! I find it all a little confusing and at some points, disgusting. I think it’s insane to believe that women were made from the singular rib bone of a man. Call me feminist, but I know where I came from... my mama. I was raised as a Catholic, as many of you already know, and I went to Catholic school for 9 years. That’s a whole lot of brainwashing. So it’s taken me some time to get over my guilt of my questioning nature. I don’t begrudge any Christian their beliefs, as long as their not assholes about it. (For example, see godhatesfags.com. I’m not even going to bother to link it, because I don’t want it connected to my page. Those people are assholes. According to them, everyone is going to hell except them, including the pope…)

I think there are some supernatural things that we can’t explain going on here on earth, but I’ve never truly encountered any of it. I don’t rule out the idea that there might be a god, or gods, but I don’t understand how Christian people can just pick and choose what they want to interpret as right and other people who call themselves Christians can believe the exact opposite. I’m sure that this frustrates some Christians as well. Since I’m the type of person who needs concrete evidence of everything, that leaves little room for faith. Believe it or not, I’m a fairly spiritual person. It’s not that I feel above organized religion, I just don’t have the discipline it takes to listen and not question. To accept everything that is given to me without a doubt. I can’t do that. I’d rather sit on my porch and feel the sun on my skin and wind on my face and feel the same peace and contentment that some people feel while praying the rosary. My discontent stems from the hatred that comes out of Christianity. I might be picking on Christian religions a little, but that’s what I know the most about. It’s all basically based around the same book. So how can you get so many different ideas out of it? God loves everybody… oh wait, except for the gay people…and women should be submissive…and an eye for an eye… wait… doesn’t it say that only God can judge? and so on and so on until people just project their hatred in the form of violence… like bombing an abortion clinic or busting out the windows of a gay couples home, all in the name of God.

Don’t get me wrong. There are lots of Christians that I’m very good friends with. My mom, although she hasn’t gone to church in years, still frowns on my agnostic nature. But I love her. Most of my friends are godless heathens though that believe in gay marriage and are pro-choice and hate Bush. Some are the opposite. I find it hard to talk to them about it, because I want to keep arguing my point but I know it’s a waste of breath. I know that nobody is going to change my opinions, so how could I possibly change anyone else’s?

Gah. See why it frustrates me? I don’t think that this is ever something that I’ll be able to find peace with.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Breathing Again

Oh my.

You know how sometimes you hold off on doing something until you’re like, “I don’t want to do this!!!” and it just escalates and turns into a big deal and it’s like this big personal turmoil that only you know about?

I just got over one of those moments. And I feel so good.

I just told the president of the company that I work at that I’m pregnant. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner, I think I felt a little intimidated by him, which isn’t surprising, considering that everyone intimidates me. I don’t know why. I haven’t had all that much interaction with him, but the times I have worked closely with him I’ve gotten along with him really well. And this being such a small company, I felt weird having told everyone else, but I knew he didn’t know yet. He was out the day I announced it.

All I can say is: WHAT A GREAT GUY. I’m now kicking myself for being scared about this. He was super understanding (he has 4 kids), and super nice, and congratulated me and said that everything was fine and having kids is a beautiful thing and I’m just like, “WOW.” WHY WAS I AFRAID? It’s such a relief. I’m a dork. I feel like a house has been lifted off my head.


I went to the doctor yesterday. I updated the baby blog with the low down.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Exercise schmexercise

So everyone keeps bothering me about exercising. “You should be exercising… why don’t you exercise instead of sleep?” I’ve read that I should be exercising if I feel like it. But if I’m tired, I shouldn’t push myself. Last week I was feeling like I was starting to get some energy back, but this week I’m feeling like sleepy E-Lo again. But because it was nice yesterday, I decided to go for a walk after dinner. It was horrible. My legs hurt within 5 minutes, and I was out of breath by the time I got to the top of the hill that leads to the road. I only walked for probably 20 minutes. I only felt like I was exhausting myself more. Although I’ll probably do it again today. I feel like I need to, because I feel guilty for not doing it. Plus I know I’m gaining too much weight already, being that I was already overweight-ish. I just can’t help eating every chance I get. On the plus side, my husband has been eating way more than me in a sitting. Lucky for him, he goes back to work next week. Unlucky for me, since he’ll lose some of his baby weight.

Pictures from his show on Friday forthcoming. It was a success. And not annoying.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Were you looking for me?

Hi. Erica here. You might know me. I graduated in 95 from Butler High School. I went to Clarion University where I got my Bachelor's and Master's. Perhaps you were searching for me. Maybe you knew me at one point in your life. If you did, consider yourself lucky. I'm not very friendly any more. Kidding!

If you knew me, I mean REALLY knew me, the things you'll read on this blog won't shock you. But if you thought I was sweet or innocent or worse yet, QUIET, you'll find you were waaaaay wrong. I don't open up to many people. Just the ones I don't know, on the internet.

So you want to know what's going on in my life? Well... during grad school I got married to Ryan (BHS class of 94, represent!). I've persued many careers, starting with graphic design, to an instructors assistant, to a glamorous job in the world of discount department stores, to finally losing my job as a mail distributor (originally a web content writer... long story). Now I'm happily working as a 24-7 personal assistant to a very small child, who I just happened to give birth to. Her name is Lyric.

I'm a full time mom. You never saw me as a mom? Me neither. I never liked kids. I still don't. But I love mine.

If you did (or do) know me, say hi. Email me at ericalorenz@yahoo.com.

Stalkers prohibited.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Seriously

Things people searched for that led them to my site:
The Thong Song:
she has dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what baby move your butt butt butt
Squirrels need to keep their abs tight too:
pilates squirrel
The way I feel about Mondays:
"crappy poo"
We like gluing boobs! Especially when they're padded:
padded boobs glued stuck
They’re not for your punching pleasure:
ready to rumble boxing boobs AND
punching bags boobs

Somebody is desperate:
squirrel boyfriend

Now back to your regularly scheduled psychosis.

Picture Day

my backyard
Just because I haven't posted any pictures in a while. This is the view from my backyard. I took this one last week on a beautiful spring day. Now it's all covered in snow again. I love Pennsylvania. I seriously had to scrape 7 inches of snow off my car this morning. But it's going to be in the 70's on Wednesday!